Fast Track To Heaven According To A Child

Well last night at my house was a very sad night for us.  Tooters has learned the hard lesson about death.  OK let me start at the beginning.

After work last night I decided that my new plants had lived under the carport for long enough and deserved to be put into the proper places.  Of course I decided that I would plant them even with my Elm trees and inline with my bedroom windows so that I can rip out the Elms in the fall.  Well in a moment of extreme blondness (sorry blondes) I did not take into account for all the roots.  Needless to say Tooters and Paddy (our puppy) got a very colorful french lesson.  The whole time Tooters keeps asking when dinner is and Paddy has decided she needs to help dig holes in all of the fresh dirt. 

So after I got both trees into the ground and was finishing up with the grape vine out in front I looked up in time to see Paddy racing around the corner with the tree bucket on her head and stuck to her collar.  Me and Tooters stood there and laughed when she hit the fence.  After the bucket fell off we found that she has mud encompassing her whole entire head. 

 All I could do was hang my exhausted head and think, “Oh dear God now I have to bath the puppy too!”  I think Tooters and Paddy were competing to see who could get the most mud on themselves. 

So I finish up and run enough bath water for the dog, wrestle her through the house, and dump her in the water.  Tooters who is just barely 5 thinks that it takes a whole bottle of tearless shampoo to wash a 16 pound puppy.  I was pouring my thousandth cup of water on the world biggest wiggle worm when I hear a blood curdling scream coming from the childs bedroom.  I am thinking she is hurt or lost a limb with how loud the scream is.  I just know any moment the windows are going to crack and my head will explode. 

She comes racing in to annouce that her beta fish Nemo is floating upside down and she thinks he is dead.  So I finally get the puppy out of the bath and while I am yelling at her stay off of my bed, nothing worse then wet dog smelling sheets to sleep in, I go about getting the dead fish out of the tank.

Into the bathroom we go for a funeral over poor Nemo.  My daughter has a good cry, we say a little prayer, and I tell her it is ok because Nemo is now in heaven and whoosh I flush the toilet. 

Later on after I got Tooters into the tub for her bath (after cleaning out a pound of dog hair) I went about my usual routine of getting her nightclothes, setting the alarm clock, etc.  I started to get worried when I did not hear the normal sounds of water splashing around, so I peeked around the corner and Tooters is just sitting there very quiet with a perplexed look on her face.  I asked her what was wrong and lets talk about it. 

 “Well mommy Nemo died and went to heaven right?” she asked me.  I affirmed this.  She goes on and says, “But we flushed him down the toilet.  So does this mean that our toilet is connected to heaven?”

Now how in the heck do you respond to that with a straight face.  So I told Tooters I would be right back I had to check something and made a mad dash for the hallway.  I stand there laughing until my sides hurt hoping that she has let her attention move on now. 

Into the bathroom I go announcing that it is time to wash the hair, trying to act normal.  Tooters looks up at me and very sweetly says, “Mommy does this mean when I die you are going to flush me down our toilet too?”

Well at this point I try to explain about just the soul going to heaven and the bodies stay here but I eventually just gave up and told her it was time for bed.  This morning when I dropped her off at my parents  she had to race in and tell her Grandma that her toilet is special because it is connected to heaven, not Grandma’s toilet just ours.

 You know I am amazed at the logic and the way she thinks.  I have given up for the day and I just hope this has passed by the time I get home from work.  I would really feel guilty if I started to giggle in front of her again.  But then again what else can you do with that thought out there?


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