The List The Size of Goliath!
I have been struggling for a couple of weeks now trying to come up with a good story or post since I have not posted anything recently, but here is the problem I just sit here and look at the screen. I try to write something with humor hoping it will improve my blue mood that I just cannot seem to shake but nothing comes to me. So then I sit here and try to write something meaningful but all I can see is the empty page or I sit and think OMG what if someone I know reads this. I have a couple of friends that I have told about this blog but our kids play together and how do you explain other parents that you aren’t nuts and it is ok for the girls to continue to play. Well I am going to bite the bullet and write about more than just Tooters or the Wonder Pup. I am actually finding that getting some of this out in the open is helping to heal my bruised soul, so here it goes.
I have recently started seeing someone to help me deal with some feelings that have put on the back burner for too long and I am now having to face. Part of my therapy (who knew that a therapist gave homework, I feel like I am back in school) last week was to make a list of things that I do well. I thought while I was sitting in her office that this was going to be easy, but let me tell you that this was hard. I spent most of the week thinking about things that I could write down with out sounding to dumb. My appointment crept up on me faster than I wanted it to and I found myself scribbling out my list about an hour before I went to see my doc.
I went to see Doc and the time came that I had to read my list, so I pulled it out and started to read stuff off of it. Don’t get me wrong it was not a long list and there were some good things on there, but it seemed to take forever to read it. I am not used to sitting around talking about myself like that or listing off the stuff I do well, it was just weird to me. The strangest thing happened in the middle of reading my little list, all of a sudden here came the water works. I just do not know what happened it was like someone opened up the flood gates and I just could not keep from crying. There I sat in that comfy room and chair crying like I had just lost my best friend. Part of the reason for me being there is that my ex shattered my confidence, among other things that I might get into another time, and I just could not believe how hard it was to not only write that list but read it out loud.
The emotions that came over me were very overwhelming. Doc let me cry for a minute and then said that I did good and that this is not uncommon. The session went on and we got into some other very deep stuff. However in the back of my mind I kept coming back to how I reacted when I read it, even now I am a little emotional thinking about it. So I am thinking now that maybe I am a little more fragile emotionally than I thought I was and going to see Doc is probably where I belong right now.
I know this post is mostly just me rambling but it feels good to see the words and read them back to myself. Who knows maybe this just might turn into a series of posts on this topic? I know there are people out there that might read this and have comments for me, both bad and good, but I am ok with that. What is important right now is that I am mending the darker edges of my soul and if posting helps then look out I just might be the one to open the flood gates myself on this subject.