The Stink Of The Matter
I know that everyone at some point in the their lives, or in my case several, will have a moment of pure humiliation that makes them want to crawl into a hole and never see the light of day again. Well I managed to have another one of these moments the other day.
A couple of weeks ago I noticed on the side of my house there is a leak every time I water the lawn. So I called my landlord to send someone out to my house to take a look at it. We scheduled a time and I took some work home with me and waited for the guy to get there.
About 45 minutes after he said he would be there he finally showed up. What is up with that? I swear the cable company and repairmen think that is all we are here to do is wait around for them. Do they think it is easy for me to leave my job just to sit and wait for them to show up for their job?
Anyways he came in and said that the leak is coming from under the house and he would need to get into the crawl space. Now for some reason the idiot that built the house thought it would be a good idea to put the access panel in the floor of my closet. This means I had to take everything out of the closet the night before and pray that Tooters and the Wonder Pup would leave all of my pretty shoes alone. It is sad to say that I have a shoe addiction and I have more shoes than I really need but I just cannot bring myself to get rid of them until they are falling off of my feet.
I also had to take the one ton trunk on wheels out of the back of the closet that is full of my clothes from winter and my many phases of clothes. This is another thing that I cannot throw out is clothes. I love clothes and I do not get to buy clothes very often. Needless to say my trunk is divided up into different stages of clothes. I have everything from fat clothes to the delusional I will fit back into that someday clothes. These are the clothes that I used to wear before Tooters was born but I am not ready to face the fact those days are gone forever.
Ok back to what happened, but first I have to mention that they sent over a repairman that was good looking enough that I just could not be to mad at him because he was so easy on the eyes. Well I led him back to the closet and down he went. Come to find out in the almost 4 years I have been in the house I have never looked underneath it. I have this HUGE space under the house that is almost 4 feet tall and is the size of the whole house. To think I had all of this storage space right under my feet the whole time and never knew it.
Despite being deathly afraid of snakes and mice, I don’t know what made me think there would be any down there, I made myself go in after the guy to see where the leak is coming from. This part was ok and we looked around and found the leak then looked for water damage. The only thing that is really affected was the dirt, which will dry in no time since it is only about 1,000 degrees outside.
It came time to come up out of the hole and make another appointment for him to come back since, for some unknown reason, he did not bring his tools with him. I tried to put my arms up on the floor above me and lift myself up and out. But at last this just was not in the cards for me today. I just could not manage to life myself high enough to get my foot up to help lift the rest of me out. Then it happened! I ACTUALLY FARTED! This was not some lady like pffft, it was a loud echoing, everyone look at me type of fart. In my mind I thought if I ignore it maybe he did not hear it. I don’t know how he would have missed it unless he is deaf. I paused took and breathe then started to choke on the fumes that came from my ass. Once again I tried to lift myself out again and out came another one. OMG I thought I was dying and smelled like it too. I have been on a detox regime and eating nothing but fresh fruits, vegetables, and lots of juice, so sad to say I was extra ripe.
I decided to just lower myself back to the dirt and take a deep breath to collect myself, and then give it another try. Thankfully the guy had not come close enough to smell the fumes but I am sure he could see the green cloud hanging around me. Then he said something that made my heart skip a beat.
“Give me a second and I will come over and help you up. I will be your personal step.”
I thought I would die. This good-looking creature was going to be close enough to smell me. (I was still in the fantasy world that fart noises do not travel in a cave like environment.) And here he came towards me; thank God he was polite enough to act like nothing happened. He very nicely put his hands together and cupped them for me to step in. As I was going up and had my arms on the floor so I could start lifting myself up I farted again. This time he could not deny that it had happened since my ass was so close to his head. Right after I felt myself falling and the man jumped back covering his nose and saying, “OMG THAT IS RANK!!!”
At that moment somehow I suddenly got enough strength to get myself out of the hole and I high tailed it up the hall. I managed to holler back that Wednesday at 11am would be good for me and that my dad will meet him at my house. I hid until he let himself out of the house. To top it all off when he dropped me I landed on my back in the mud and ruined my favorite light colored tank top that I wear all the time.
I told the Wanderer about the incident and after he got done rolling around on the floor he finally agreed to meet the repairman and spare me any further humiliation. I am sure someday in the distant future I will find it funny but right now me and my ego just want to hide in a dark room in the fetal position until that day finally arrives.