Archive for January, 2009

Progression Of The Defective Mind

Posted in anger, Blogroll, children, cuteness, emotional, entertainment, family, frustration, fun, funny, funny picture, funny things kids do, giving, growing up, healing, help, hope, horror, humor, job, KIDS, life, mom, parenting, personal, personality, random, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized, winter with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2009 by Iron Mom

DISCLAIMER:  DUE TO SOME COMMENTS MADE EARLIER I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I AM NOT SAYING KIDS DO NOT HAVE BRAINS JUST THAT THEY DO NOT ALWAYS USE THEM.  THIS IS REALLY JUST MEANT TO BE A HUMOROUS VIEW FROM A SINGLE MOM.  SO PLEASE BE KIND WITH THE COMMENTS, SOME OF THEM MADE EARLIER HAD TO BE UNAPPROVED.

Why is it that you can tell a child something everyday for years and they do not retain it, but they can tell you what happened on Hannah Montana from a month ago in perfect detail?  I have decided that Tooters has a defective brain and I keep threatening to take her to the Neurologist to have it checked out.  This just supports my theory that kids have some kind of brain malfunction that only corrects itself when they become adults, only for the girls to be cursed with Mommy Brain disorder.  Here is my theory.

 

Birth:  From birth until precious starts to walk and talk they stare at you like they are paying attention to everything that you are saying.  When in reality they are studying your every move and taking notes on your weaknesses.  They are making mental notes of what pushes your buttons and what makes you smile. 

 

1-3 years old:  This is when they really are developing mentally.  Learning to walk just to run from you with a naked butt and leaking on the carpets.  Learning to talk so that they can have a screaming melt down in the middle of the grocery store in front of everyone you know in town.  Perfecting the word “no” for later use.  Teaching themselves the art of silently getting into everything in the house that will make a mess.  Finding every tiny piece of anything and putting it in the carpet for you to step on in the middle of the night so you wake up precious with a foul string of words. 

 

4-5 year old:  All of a sudden the monster toddler becomes sweeter, more obedient, and loving.  This is all apart of the master plan to get you to lower your guard.  You relax thinking that you have a break for the next couple of years before back talking and fights over the chores begin.  But they are just making more observations and mental notes on how to give you gray hairs. 

 

6-8 years old:  Thanks to the brat at school that is to mature for her own good, and seems to know more than any kid that age should, begins to educate your precious child on the art of sassing.  Your child that used to somewhat obey you begins to apply logic and questioning.  This is where the defective brain begins to show through more.  All of a sudden things that you have been telling precious for years goes right out the window.  You lose count of how many times a day you tell them to turn off the lights and pick up their toys.  The bedroom floor?  Forget about it, that will not be seen for the next several years.  

 

9-12 years old:  The defective brain is now in full swing.  Precious no longer remembers anything, except of course every word to their favorite song and who farted in the lunch line.   You repeat yourself so many times a day that you begin to think it would be easier just to record yourself once and put it on a loop on the stereo.  Precious has forgotten that the bedroom should be clean, wet towels hung up and the light switches still are only touched when they are reminded.  Every room they leave looks like a tornado hit it, but they do not understand why your are standing there shaking your head in frustration trying not to explode.  I mean the room was clean an hour ago how can one precious child cause that much destruction?

 

13-19 years old:  There is no longer a brain left to be defective.  Everything you taught precious all these years are null and void because they know better.  You have become an antiquated parrot repeating the same things but not really being heard.  For some reason you have no right to tell precious how to do things because overnight they became smarter than you.  All you can do at this point is beg the doctor for an unlimited supply of Xanax and pray that the teen years are over before you land in the loony bin repeating the same phrase over and over again while you drool on your straight jacket.

 

20- adulthood:  Ahhh relief!  Precious is on their own and you have a quiet house again.  Then one day out of the clear blue sky precious calls you with screaming kids in the background begging you to forgive them.  They realize that you are not old or stupid and you just might have known what you were talking about all those years.  Precious just keeps apologizing and then says something you have been waiting to hear from them for about 20 years or so……….. They ask for your advice willingly. 

 

If my theory is correct I have at least 13 years of pleading, begging, reminding, and repeating to Tooters ahead of me.  Please God give me strength and Clairol please do not go out of business because my gray hairs love you.  Maybe I will stick with my idea and put Tooters up for auction on Ebay at 12 years old.

Advertisements

Special Ed Strikes Again

Posted in boss, co-workers, cuteness, early morning, emotional, entertainment, fire, friends, frustration, fun, funny, funny picture, healing, help, hope, humor, job, life, personal, personality, politics, random, thoughts, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2009 by Iron Mom

Ok readers it is time for a silly boss story to be posted.  I have previously posted a story (Missing: One Brain Cell Possibly More) about my boss and promised more so I decided to make good on it today.  All stories about my boss are true I swear.  So here it goes. 

 

This is the time of year that we start looking at budgets for the fire center operation costs for the upcoming summer.  It is always a little stressful to try and break it down and come up with a number that will satisfy everyone involved.  Keep in mind this was last year and after what happened I am not sure he will want my opinion this year lol. 

 

My boss (Special Ed) came into my office and sat down to go over it with me.  He likes to do this and get my input since I am over there and I know what is going on.  Well we got right to it and started going down the list.  It is pretty standard stuff like supplies, training materials, and day-to-day things.  Then he gets towards the bottom of the page and gets this very perplexed look on his face.  I sit there watching his face contort in confusion waiting for him to tell me what is on the page.  Finally he speaks up and asks me what this certain charge is for and why it is so much, this is how the conversation went:

 

SE: “What is a face smile and why am I paying $300 for it?”

 

Me: “A what?!?! Can you repeat that again?”

 

SE: “A face smile, a face smile, what the hell is a face smile??”

 

Me: “OMG are you serious? Did you just say what I think you said?”

 

SE: “Yes a face smile, what is that, I am being serious?  Can you please explain this to me?”

 

At this point all I can do is stare at him not really believing my ears, my brain actually starts to hurt trying to process this information.  Then here comes the laughter.  At first it is just a little giggle then as I think about what was just said I start laughing harder and harder.  The secretary across the hall actually came and checked on me because I was laughing so loud and so hard.  I just could not help myself and I think at one point I peed a little.  This was the type of fit that your stomach cramps up, there are tears running down your cheeks, and you start making the retarded faces because no noise is coming out just a little gasping sounds as you are trying to inhale before you pass out. 

 

Poor Special Ed is just sitting there asking me to explain to him what is so funny.  I finally calmed down enough to tell him what is so funny.  He was looking at the charge for the FACSIMILE’S!!!!!!!  As soon as I said it I started laughing again, this really just struck me as hilarious.  Special Ed at that point reminded me who signs my timesheets and that my yearly evaluation was coming up.  He jokingly told me that I am replaceable.

 

Now for some reason these are the times when my brain misfires or something and comments fly out of my mouth before I can stop it.  I don’t know why and usually I regret it as soon as I am done speaking and I have regained control of my mouth, but not this time.  What I said next was perfect for the moment and has become a legend in the office.  This is what flew out:

 

“Can you confirm that with a face smile?”

 

At this point one of my co-workers in the next office that was listening to the whole thing exploded with laughter with me.  Special Ed at this point just hung his head with defeat and shuffled up the hallway disappearing for a while.  He did eventually come back.  When he did he peaked around the corner and asked if I was done laughing at him so he could come back to work. 

 

We still joke about it in the office from time to time and laugh all over again.  God I love my boss some days, he definitely keeps things very interesting for me.  So next time you are around a fax machine just remember according to Special Ed it is a face smile lol.  

Please Silence The Back-Seat Instructor

Posted in anger, Billy Blanks, children, clothes, cute kid questions, cuteness, dog, early morning, emotional, exercise, family, fire, fitness, friends, frustration, fun, funny, funny things kids do, goals, growing up, healing, health, help, hope, horror, humor, Jillian Michaels, kickboxing, KIDS, life, parenting, personal, personality, pets, random, sick, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 13, 2009 by Iron Mom

I honestly do not know what has gotten into me lately but I have decided that I am not busy enough in my life at the Nuthouse, here is why.  As of yesterday I am now a half time college student starting classes this summer.  Why I picked that time I really don’t know since that is the start of fire season.  Fire season for me is pure hell.  I work my regular job plus back up dispatch for the fire center, which means a lot of night shifts.  But I cannot pass up all of the easy overtime no matter how zombie like I am during the day.  Well at least I can study all I want at night when it is quiet. 

 

Since I am finally no longer sick, I have had a bad cold for 2 months now, I have decided to throw myself back into exercising.  However since I work ten-hour days I struggled with how I was going to squeeze in a work out on the days I am working.  Then it hit me, since I am an insomniac I should get up before the butt crack of dawn and put in one of my work out DVD’s.  This was just a brilliant plan until Monday morning came along and the alarm clock went off at 4:30.  What in the hell what I thinking?  Naturally I hit the snooze button a couple of times, but I had forgotten I set a back up alarm the night before.  So at 4:50 Tooters’ alarm clock in her room started going off.  Bless that child she has learned wonderful things from me and hit the snooze button on her clock too lol. 

 

I actually did get up 5 minutes later and stumbled into the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot so it would be ready by the time I was done.  I got dressed and Tooters followed me out to the living room to see what I was up to.  This always stresses me out a little bit because she is a back-seat instructor and the dog wants to play.  I told Tooters she could be in the room with me but she either had to exercise with me or stay quiet.  I plugged in Jillian Michael’s kickboxing and went about my business.  I hate her at the time but I do believe I have a little girl crush on her especially after The Biggest Loser. 

 

Pretty soon I glanced behind me to check on my kiddo and there she is relaxing on the couch with the blanket up to her chin and her hand over her mouth.  That snot is doing everything that she can not to laugh at me out loud.  I swear to you that she was the prettiest shade of purple and I just knew that she was going to explode before to long.  This was really not the best time for me to see this since I was hot and panting like the dog.  Then here came the comments:

 

“Mom you are not keeping up with Jillian.”

 

“Mom you are not kicking high enough.” 

 

“Mom you are supposed to move your hands like Jillian.”

 

“Why are you stopping the DVD is not over yet?”

 

“They are not stopping for water, and why are you bent over like that?”

 

“What is that look for I am just trying to help?”

 

Finally I told her to come and show me how it is done since she is proving to be the expert.  OMG I thought I was going to die laughing at how hard she was trying but just not quite getting it right.  She gets an “A” for effort in my book though.  After it was finished and we were getting ready to leave the house she informed me that we need to practice, of course I agreed and herded her out the door.

 

We got to my office around 6am and the poor thing was plain worn out when we got there.  She pushed two chairs together, balled up her jacket for a pillow, curled up under the blanket I keep at my desk and went back to sleep until it was time for school.  It was adorable and horrible at the same time.  I would have given my left toe to be back asleep like that.

 

This morning as sore as I was I decided that I would get up at the same time and work out to Billy Blanks ab boot camp.  You know I hate all of these fitness people at the time because I am hurting and realizing that I just cannot keep up so I blast my music while they are on mute.  In my mind it eases the pain.  Well I hit snooze as usual but this time Tooters pushed her cold little toes into my leg (she sneaks into my bed regularly) and told me to get up it is time to exercise.  I could not let my daughter who looks up to me think I am some kind of wimp, so I forced me and my jello legs out of bed and got dressed.

 

Thank goodness Tooters decided to do the whole routine with me instead of staying on the couch.  She said that this is because she can do the floor exercises easier.  We got about ten minutes into it and I was starting to get hot so I pealed off my shirt and was down to my sports bra (no safety pins today) and sweat pants.  Man am I a site to behold in this get up.  I am glad that most of the world is still asleep at this time and not driving pass my partially open windows seeing my tummy bouncing around.  Tooters suddenly looked at me and said that she just cannot exercise this way and disappeared down the hall.  This was ok because this meant that the Wonder Pup would follow her and there would be no laughing when I start huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf in Tigger sweat pants. 

 

After a couple of minutes I could hear her running up the hallway and hollering that she was coming.  She rounded the corner and I thought I was going to die.  Tooters had changed out of her nightclothes and put on bright pink sweat pants with her bikini top that looks like my sports bra.  She even put on her tennis shoes and announced that now she could properly finish her work out.  She really uses the word properly a lot.  Holy crap on a cracker (still my favorite saying) she kicked my ass on the floor exercises!!!  This is very sad that I was out done by a 6 year old.  There will be a funeral for my ego in the near future.

 

This put me to so much shame that I think tonight I will “forget” to set her alarm clock and just sneak out of bed to do my stuff alone.  My luck she will jump up and join me anyways.  So please say a prayer for me that I will be able to still move in the morning and that I do not strangle the backseat instructor on the couch. 

The 2009 Mommy List

Posted in anger, Blogroll, boss, children, clothes, cuteness, dog, emotional, family, friends, frustration, fun, funny, funny things kids do, giving, giving generousity, goals, growing up, healing, health, help, holiday, hope, humor, job, KIDS, life, mom, new years, parenting, personal, personality, pets, pictures, quit smoking, random, resolutions, seasons, shopping, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized, winter, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2009 by Iron Mom

As a mother I am accustomed to giving up things for Tooters on a daily basis.  Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining in the least, but I have recently sat down and really looked at what needs I have that are just not being met.  Which is totally my fault and I actually love the joy it brings me to give up something so that I can put a smile on Tooters face.  Even if me and my sanity suffer in the long run.

 

This brought me to thinking about my New Year’s resolutions.  Does anyone ever really fulfill their resolutions or just talk about them for 6 months before only to be forgotten with in weeks of the New Year?  So instead of making some ridiculous resolution list that I am going to bag in a few weeks then spend my time feeling guilty about.  I decided to make a realistic mommy list of things that I am going to do for myself throughout the year that I neglect regularly.  After reviewing my list I think all mom’s both married and single should make one. Here are the ten top things I am going to do for myself in 2009.

 

1.     Go bra shopping before I am down to the only one that I own that is held together by safety pins.

 

 Yes sadly to say I am sitting here in a bra that I am praying will make it another couple of weeks and no one thinks the funny lump under my shirt is a nipple piercing.  I already have purple and black hair and tattoo’s, I don’t need people looking at me like I am a complete freak. (Personally I hate to shop for a new bra it is a waste of precious time that I could spend on other activities.)

 

2.     Take an extra few minutes in the morning to actually enjoy a hot shower, and maybe even use the different settings on the showerhead.  Shut up you perverts not for that!!

 

I totally race through my showers and even have it down to getting in and out before a full song can play on my stereo.

 

3.     Let the dishes pile up in the sink for a night so that I can enjoy a hot cup of tea and read a grown up book.  Again perverts keep it in check, I am talking about my murder mystery books.

 

As much as I love to read Dr. Suess or Fancy Nancy to Tooters it would be nice to get back to reading the types of book I did before she was born.  At least more than one or two pages at a time, which is what I do now before Tooters demands my attention.

 

4.     Find time to exercise in peace without Tooters trying to imitate me and the Wonder Pup thinking it is playtime. 

 

Tooters loves it when I pull out my exercise DVD’s, because after giving it a 5 minute effort to keep up she just ends up laughing at me and asking why I am not doing it like the ladies on the DVD.  The Wonder Pup thinks she is helping every time I do the floor exercises by jumping on my stomach that is already sore. 

 

5.     Buy myself a new pair of jeans that actually fits so that I don’t look like some saggy ass stoner from behind. 

 

In the last year I have lost a little over 50 pounds and now none of my clothes fit properly.  They either are falling off of my body or the last 2 pairs that do some what fit are starting to fray.  I am a little afraid every time I bend down that my thighs or ass are going to come flying out.  Heck I might as well add a new shirt while I am at it.  I look like Omar the tent maker is my stylist.

 

6.     Buy new underwear that fit and are not full of holes. 

 

Again since the weight-loss I have not invested in new underwear, another waste of time for me.  However now I have the biggest granny panties you have ever seen and I need suspenders just to keep them up.  Maybe I could just hook them to my safety pins on my bra and start a new trend.  Not to mention that most have holes in them and I have to be careful where I grip them to pull them up.

 

7.     Grocery shop in peace.

 

All you mothers out there know what I am talking about so I will not elaborate on this one.

 

8.     Go to bed early. 

 

Instead of trying to pick up toys, straighten the house, or squeeze in one more load of laundry just bag it all and go to bed right after Tooter’s is asleep.  I am an insomniac but sometimes it would be nice to see what it is like to be able to be in bed for more than 5 or 6 hours in a single night even if I end up watch late night T.V.

 

9.     Ban Miley Cyrus from my car stereo.

 

Tooters and I love good loud music (is there any other kind) when we are in the car, but when I am on main street and she has her window down I tend to slump down in my seat and if I am wearing a hat pull it a little lower.  People tend to notice me before seeing my 6 year old in the back seat and I end up looking like an old freak.  You know sometimes I just need a good old fashion cuss fill grown up song to rock out to.

 

10. Quit smoking for good this time.

 

Oh hell I had to have at least one hard one in there.  I know I quit a few months ago but the holidays are so hard for me I could not take it and started up in the last month.  So I broke out the anti-strangle everyone patches and slapped one on.  I even let Tooters break my last two smokes and throw them away. 

 

So there you go there is my list.  I know this post was kind of long for me and I apologize but I just had to share.  I would love for some of you mommies out there to share what would be on your mommy list.  Happy New Year’s everybody I hope it is a good one!!!

Trying to look happy for a Monday!!

Trying to look happy for a Monday!!