Please Silence The Back-Seat Instructor
I honestly do not know what has gotten into me lately but I have decided that I am not busy enough in my life at the Nuthouse, here is why. As of yesterday I am now a half time college student starting classes this summer. Why I picked that time I really don’t know since that is the start of fire season. Fire season for me is pure hell. I work my regular job plus back up dispatch for the fire center, which means a lot of night shifts. But I cannot pass up all of the easy overtime no matter how zombie like I am during the day. Well at least I can study all I want at night when it is quiet.
Since I am finally no longer sick, I have had a bad cold for 2 months now, I have decided to throw myself back into exercising. However since I work ten-hour days I struggled with how I was going to squeeze in a work out on the days I am working. Then it hit me, since I am an insomniac I should get up before the butt crack of dawn and put in one of my work out DVD’s. This was just a brilliant plan until Monday morning came along and the alarm clock went off at 4:30. What in the hell what I thinking? Naturally I hit the snooze button a couple of times, but I had forgotten I set a back up alarm the night before. So at 4:50 Tooters’ alarm clock in her room started going off. Bless that child she has learned wonderful things from me and hit the snooze button on her clock too lol.
I actually did get up 5 minutes later and stumbled into the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot so it would be ready by the time I was done. I got dressed and Tooters followed me out to the living room to see what I was up to. This always stresses me out a little bit because she is a back-seat instructor and the dog wants to play. I told Tooters she could be in the room with me but she either had to exercise with me or stay quiet. I plugged in Jillian Michael’s kickboxing and went about my business. I hate her at the time but I do believe I have a little girl crush on her especially after The Biggest Loser.
Pretty soon I glanced behind me to check on my kiddo and there she is relaxing on the couch with the blanket up to her chin and her hand over her mouth. That snot is doing everything that she can not to laugh at me out loud. I swear to you that she was the prettiest shade of purple and I just knew that she was going to explode before to long. This was really not the best time for me to see this since I was hot and panting like the dog. Then here came the comments:
“Mom you are not keeping up with Jillian.”
“Mom you are not kicking high enough.”
“Mom you are supposed to move your hands like Jillian.”
“Why are you stopping the DVD is not over yet?”
“They are not stopping for water, and why are you bent over like that?”
“What is that look for I am just trying to help?”
Finally I told her to come and show me how it is done since she is proving to be the expert. OMG I thought I was going to die laughing at how hard she was trying but just not quite getting it right. She gets an “A” for effort in my book though. After it was finished and we were getting ready to leave the house she informed me that we need to practice, of course I agreed and herded her out the door.
We got to my office around 6am and the poor thing was plain worn out when we got there. She pushed two chairs together, balled up her jacket for a pillow, curled up under the blanket I keep at my desk and went back to sleep until it was time for school. It was adorable and horrible at the same time. I would have given my left toe to be back asleep like that.
This morning as sore as I was I decided that I would get up at the same time and work out to Billy Blanks ab boot camp. You know I hate all of these fitness people at the time because I am hurting and realizing that I just cannot keep up so I blast my music while they are on mute. In my mind it eases the pain. Well I hit snooze as usual but this time Tooters pushed her cold little toes into my leg (she sneaks into my bed regularly) and told me to get up it is time to exercise. I could not let my daughter who looks up to me think I am some kind of wimp, so I forced me and my jello legs out of bed and got dressed.
Thank goodness Tooters decided to do the whole routine with me instead of staying on the couch. She said that this is because she can do the floor exercises easier. We got about ten minutes into it and I was starting to get hot so I pealed off my shirt and was down to my sports bra (no safety pins today) and sweat pants. Man am I a site to behold in this get up. I am glad that most of the world is still asleep at this time and not driving pass my partially open windows seeing my tummy bouncing around. Tooters suddenly looked at me and said that she just cannot exercise this way and disappeared down the hall. This was ok because this meant that the Wonder Pup would follow her and there would be no laughing when I start huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf in Tigger sweat pants.
After a couple of minutes I could hear her running up the hallway and hollering that she was coming. She rounded the corner and I thought I was going to die. Tooters had changed out of her nightclothes and put on bright pink sweat pants with her bikini top that looks like my sports bra. She even put on her tennis shoes and announced that now she could properly finish her work out. She really uses the word properly a lot. Holy crap on a cracker (still my favorite saying) she kicked my ass on the floor exercises!!! This is very sad that I was out done by a 6 year old. There will be a funeral for my ego in the near future.
This put me to so much shame that I think tonight I will “forget” to set her alarm clock and just sneak out of bed to do my stuff alone. My luck she will jump up and join me anyways. So please say a prayer for me that I will be able to still move in the morning and that I do not strangle the backseat instructor on the couch.