Progression Of The Defective Mind


Why is it that you can tell a child something everyday for years and they do not retain it, but they can tell you what happened on Hannah Montana from a month ago in perfect detail?  I have decided that Tooters has a defective brain and I keep threatening to take her to the Neurologist to have it checked out.  This just supports my theory that kids have some kind of brain malfunction that only corrects itself when they become adults, only for the girls to be cursed with Mommy Brain disorder.  Here is my theory.


Birth:  From birth until precious starts to walk and talk they stare at you like they are paying attention to everything that you are saying.  When in reality they are studying your every move and taking notes on your weaknesses.  They are making mental notes of what pushes your buttons and what makes you smile. 


1-3 years old:  This is when they really are developing mentally.  Learning to walk just to run from you with a naked butt and leaking on the carpets.  Learning to talk so that they can have a screaming melt down in the middle of the grocery store in front of everyone you know in town.  Perfecting the word “no” for later use.  Teaching themselves the art of silently getting into everything in the house that will make a mess.  Finding every tiny piece of anything and putting it in the carpet for you to step on in the middle of the night so you wake up precious with a foul string of words. 


4-5 year old:  All of a sudden the monster toddler becomes sweeter, more obedient, and loving.  This is all apart of the master plan to get you to lower your guard.  You relax thinking that you have a break for the next couple of years before back talking and fights over the chores begin.  But they are just making more observations and mental notes on how to give you gray hairs. 


6-8 years old:  Thanks to the brat at school that is to mature for her own good, and seems to know more than any kid that age should, begins to educate your precious child on the art of sassing.  Your child that used to somewhat obey you begins to apply logic and questioning.  This is where the defective brain begins to show through more.  All of a sudden things that you have been telling precious for years goes right out the window.  You lose count of how many times a day you tell them to turn off the lights and pick up their toys.  The bedroom floor?  Forget about it, that will not be seen for the next several years.  


9-12 years old:  The defective brain is now in full swing.  Precious no longer remembers anything, except of course every word to their favorite song and who farted in the lunch line.   You repeat yourself so many times a day that you begin to think it would be easier just to record yourself once and put it on a loop on the stereo.  Precious has forgotten that the bedroom should be clean, wet towels hung up and the light switches still are only touched when they are reminded.  Every room they leave looks like a tornado hit it, but they do not understand why your are standing there shaking your head in frustration trying not to explode.  I mean the room was clean an hour ago how can one precious child cause that much destruction?


13-19 years old:  There is no longer a brain left to be defective.  Everything you taught precious all these years are null and void because they know better.  You have become an antiquated parrot repeating the same things but not really being heard.  For some reason you have no right to tell precious how to do things because overnight they became smarter than you.  All you can do at this point is beg the doctor for an unlimited supply of Xanax and pray that the teen years are over before you land in the loony bin repeating the same phrase over and over again while you drool on your straight jacket.


20- adulthood:  Ahhh relief!  Precious is on their own and you have a quiet house again.  Then one day out of the clear blue sky precious calls you with screaming kids in the background begging you to forgive them.  They realize that you are not old or stupid and you just might have known what you were talking about all those years.  Precious just keeps apologizing and then says something you have been waiting to hear from them for about 20 years or so……….. They ask for your advice willingly. 


If my theory is correct I have at least 13 years of pleading, begging, reminding, and repeating to Tooters ahead of me.  Please God give me strength and Clairol please do not go out of business because my gray hairs love you.  Maybe I will stick with my idea and put Tooters up for auction on Ebay at 12 years old.


21 Responses to “Progression Of The Defective Mind”

  1. Children aren’t all that bad. You were once like that too, though, I guess. 😛

    As for them having no brains, I’ve know some kids who were very smart. Just US’s public schools aren’t all that good, and I doubt they will get better anytime soon with these Democrats in the office.

    • I am actually a very proud mother of a wonderful daughter. This post is meant to be funny and a way for a single mom to vent some frustrations that is all.

  2. Oh ok. 🙂

    Lots of parents of frustrations with kids, I know my mom did/does. (I’m a male below 18, that may be one of the reasons I didn’t quite like this post 😉 )

  3. Yeah.

    I’m not sure I want to be a parent, seeing how kids can be a blessing and a curse. :\

  4. Yep. It just sometimes crosses a youth’s mind that he may be in the parent’s shoes someday, and so that sometimes helps you try and make life easier for the parent.

  5. I have a five year old. My mother died before I could beg her for her forgiveness.
    I don’t think the problem with children is that they have no brain or live to bring their parents down unless they are named Menedez. I think the problem with children is that they are EXACTLY LIKE US!!!! We see our own selves reflected in them, I know I do and I don’t like it!

  6. Nicely said sunnymom! I see all of the symptoms in my children. Do you have a hypothetical solution for your theoretical conclusion?! If so, get a patent ASAP. You’ll make a FORTUNE! But feel free to let me in on it while you wait for the paperwork to process 😉

  7. papa2hapa Says:

    Funny and humorous. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of perspective. If people practice attachment parenting, and help children grow emotionally, then maybe they won’t have meltdowns. Although, that’s just wishful thinking! Any child will eventually have those mental breakdowns, those mind warps, and those moments where they can’t remember what you told them yesterday, but they’ll remember everything from a year ago. It’s a matter of what they deem important. After all, since you’re always there to remind them of the rules, they don’t need to remember it!

  8. That was farkin’ FUNNY!! You have a great sense of humor, something you are dearly going to need in the coming years !

  9. People sometimes read into things too literally… they don’t know you, your sense of humor, the love you have for your daughter (which is apparent as a loyal reader of your blog), or the struggles you go through. They surf on, read one little snippet and draw a conclusion and judge someone they don’t know from Adam. It is the only downfall I’ve found to blogging.

    I took your post as funny, the way it was intended! And yes, you are going to need that great sense of humor like Trisha said for the coming teen years 🙂 GOOD TIMES 🙂

  10. I’m nearing 4-5 right now and hadn’t even noticed that my guard was lowered. Now it’s back up where it belongs. Whew! That was a close one. Thanks for the warning!

    I’m still calling my mom every day apologizing. These apologies have seeped out to other family members, and most recently an old Sunday school teacher. I don’t even want to imagine what my life will be like during the teen years…

    Such a lie. I’ve already started bracing myself.

    AWESOME POST, btw. You nailed it.

  11. Um, I think you nailed it, too. My daughter is in the 6-8 range and I am exhausted just getting her out the door to school.
    “Finish your milk, clear your place, wait, why didn’t you finish your milk, brush your teeth, get a ponytail holder, brush your teeth, you forgot to wipe the toothpaste off of your mouth, go back upstairs, wait, where is the ponytail holder, pack your backpack, what do you mean you didn’t brush your teeth yet, do you have shoes”, and on and on. This morning my daughter walked into the mud room with a blank look on her face, no idea why she was there, even though 10 seconds before I told her to put her gym shoes in her backpack. TEN SECONDS. We had a stand-off because I refused to remind her why she was in the mudroom. It took her 5 mins to remember.

    As for some of your previous commenters…reality check. As parents, we know exactly why our kids act the way they do, they are kids. But we are parents, and we are exhausted. We love our kids dearly which is why we do what we do, day after day, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. But a little venting never hurts!

    Great post, sunnymom!
    (And I am glad I am not alone!)

  12. Hilarious! I raised two kids & think you are right on the mark with your comments. Meant to be humorous but so close to truth! I am still waiting for the apology from my 22 year old son who only laughs when talking about how he used to cause me stress! I am waiting for those payback grandchildren!! YES!

  13. pinnythewu Says:

    Haha, I’m going to print this and stick it to the fridge for future reference. I love the ‘from birth’ part, all that time I thought she was gazing lovingly at me, but she was just analysing ways of destroying me. The older parts describe my childhood to a tee, I even done the apologising to my mother and asking advice, where before if she so much as hinted at giving me advice I’d rip her head off!

  14. As long as they don’t move back at age 21 with kids in tow.

  15. I am sunnymom’s MOM and yes she still calls me (everyday).. LOL
    But the best call I get everyday is from her and tooters when they call to say: ” Goodnight Sweet Dreams I Love You.” and they do that call everyday. Tooters makes her call first and then later in the night I get Sunnymom’s call and it always ends my day in a very special way because I know they are both tucked in tight and safe for the night.

  16. doggonedmysteries Says:

    Great post! Thanks for the giggles.

  17. abstrusebrunette Says:

    Awww. I loved this post! It’s definitely hilarious and it gave me a glimpse of what I am bound to face when parenthood strikes. LoL!

    Although it’s meant to be funny, your love and pride as a mother was so transparent here. Ignore the haters!

    Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving nice comments. 😀

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