Progression Of The Defective Mind
DISCLAIMER: DUE TO SOME COMMENTS MADE EARLIER I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I AM NOT SAYING KIDS DO NOT HAVE BRAINS JUST THAT THEY DO NOT ALWAYS USE THEM. THIS IS REALLY JUST MEANT TO BE A HUMOROUS VIEW FROM A SINGLE MOM. SO PLEASE BE KIND WITH THE COMMENTS, SOME OF THEM MADE EARLIER HAD TO BE UNAPPROVED.
Why is it that you can tell a child something everyday for years and they do not retain it, but they can tell you what happened on Hannah Montana from a month ago in perfect detail? I have decided that Tooters has a defective brain and I keep threatening to take her to the Neurologist to have it checked out. This just supports my theory that kids have some kind of brain malfunction that only corrects itself when they become adults, only for the girls to be cursed with Mommy Brain disorder. Here is my theory.
Birth: From birth until precious starts to walk and talk they stare at you like they are paying attention to everything that you are saying. When in reality they are studying your every move and taking notes on your weaknesses. They are making mental notes of what pushes your buttons and what makes you smile.
1-3 years old: This is when they really are developing mentally. Learning to walk just to run from you with a naked butt and leaking on the carpets. Learning to talk so that they can have a screaming melt down in the middle of the grocery store in front of everyone you know in town. Perfecting the word “no” for later use. Teaching themselves the art of silently getting into everything in the house that will make a mess. Finding every tiny piece of anything and putting it in the carpet for you to step on in the middle of the night so you wake up precious with a foul string of words.
4-5 year old: All of a sudden the monster toddler becomes sweeter, more obedient, and loving. This is all apart of the master plan to get you to lower your guard. You relax thinking that you have a break for the next couple of years before back talking and fights over the chores begin. But they are just making more observations and mental notes on how to give you gray hairs.
6-8 years old: Thanks to the brat at school that is to mature for her own good, and seems to know more than any kid that age should, begins to educate your precious child on the art of sassing. Your child that used to somewhat obey you begins to apply logic and questioning. This is where the defective brain begins to show through more. All of a sudden things that you have been telling precious for years goes right out the window. You lose count of how many times a day you tell them to turn off the lights and pick up their toys. The bedroom floor? Forget about it, that will not be seen for the next several years.
9-12 years old: The defective brain is now in full swing. Precious no longer remembers anything, except of course every word to their favorite song and who farted in the lunch line. You repeat yourself so many times a day that you begin to think it would be easier just to record yourself once and put it on a loop on the stereo. Precious has forgotten that the bedroom should be clean, wet towels hung up and the light switches still are only touched when they are reminded. Every room they leave looks like a tornado hit it, but they do not understand why your are standing there shaking your head in frustration trying not to explode. I mean the room was clean an hour ago how can one precious child cause that much destruction?
13-19 years old: There is no longer a brain left to be defective. Everything you taught precious all these years are null and void because they know better. You have become an antiquated parrot repeating the same things but not really being heard. For some reason you have no right to tell precious how to do things because overnight they became smarter than you. All you can do at this point is beg the doctor for an unlimited supply of Xanax and pray that the teen years are over before you land in the loony bin repeating the same phrase over and over again while you drool on your straight jacket.
20- adulthood: Ahhh relief! Precious is on their own and you have a quiet house again. Then one day out of the clear blue sky precious calls you with screaming kids in the background begging you to forgive them. They realize that you are not old or stupid and you just might have known what you were talking about all those years. Precious just keeps apologizing and then says something you have been waiting to hear from them for about 20 years or so……….. They ask for your advice willingly.
If my theory is correct I have at least 13 years of pleading, begging, reminding, and repeating to Tooters ahead of me. Please God give me strength and Clairol please do not go out of business because my gray hairs love you. Maybe I will stick with my idea and put Tooters up for auction on Ebay at 12 years old.