A Million Emotions For Sale

OK here’s the deal I have spent a majority of my life trying to go against the grain. I never wanted to fit into the normal category and enjoyed being different. It did not always win me very many friends but the few friends I have love me for me and not for being like someone else.

Growing up I did not fit into just one click at school instead I floated from group to group just depending on who struck my fancy that day. I made sure that I did not dress like the popular cheerleader girls, aka the carbon copy Barbie dolls. Instead I just wore what I wanted and what was comfortable, I just did not care as long as it was cute.

Now dating is a different story. I have not really dated since I left my ex back in 2004. It just did not interest me. I mean why would I want to take the risk of getting tangled up with another ass just to have my heart broken over and over again. So obviously my marriage left me with issues.

I am not the typical woman. I don’t like chick flicks, instead I prefer lots and lots of blood and action. Chick flicks depress me because they are all basically the same and therefore boring. I would rather camp in the dirt and fish than sit around with girlfriends gossiping about the new clerk at the video store and his amazing butt while doing each others hair. That is just not my cup of tea. I also hate Valentine’s Day; it is just a waste of time and money. I swear it was created by the greeting card industry to make a mint off of all the suckers out there.

I prefer little thoughtful gifts that let me know he is really listening to me in lieu of big expensive crap. Don’t get me wrong I would love to get flowers at work but I am just a simple girl with simple tastes. I don’t own even one piece of lingerie because it is a waste of money and my house is not really overly girly. I am not saying I am butch or a tomboy of any sorts I just feel like I do not really fit into any one certain type of mold.

However there are certain aspects of me that are not that different from other people. Even though I hate to cry, I don’t like the feeling of weakness it gives me, I really am capable of it. I love to laugh and be close to certain people. I don’t like feeling that I am being pulled in a thousand different directions at the same time, so when I do feel that way I actually have a stressed out moment.

This brings me to what I am ultimately feeling today. I have this overwhelming feeling of failure. I am stretched so thin I am not sure I can handle much more. But being a woman I am sure I will fit something else into my life. It just seems that my spirits are low and that affects everything and everyone around me.

I am trying to make everyone around me happy and live up to his or her expectations but seem to be falling short at the moment, plus forgetting about myself. Then when I do think about me for just a moment I get to into my own head and I end up feeling worse than before.

I try to please my parents and even though they tell me they are very proud of me I always feel like some of my decisions they do not agree with and it ends up disappointing them. When I call just because I am not super bubbly on the phone, never really been bubbly to begin with, then there is a problem and I am depressed.

I have moments when I am not as patient as I can be with Tooters and that lets her down. I sit around with mommy guilt, hating myself because I chewed her out for misbehaving and made her cry. Don’t get me wrong I know she is trying to get out of trouble and she knows this trick works most of the time then I end up caving in. I also know that there are times she is going to be mad at me but I would rather avoid that all together. I also have the guilt over spending time with friends, studying, in school or working overtime in the summer because this takes time away from her.

I am trying to please everyone at the office and make sure his or her needs are met. I always end up with more tasks on my plate than I can get done in a day and end up making someone mad because their request has to wait.

 Just this morning one of the guys came in and chewed me out for getting his supplies delivered a day late, which was beyond my control it was a holiday yesterday with no deliveries. For some reason it was my fault and he let me know it without giving me a chance to explain it to him then stormed out of the office. I don’t know what came over me but I actually did start to cry just a little bit. One of the girls came in and asked me what was happening. She said you are Sunny you don’t cry and let the guys get to you. Holy crap now I am not allowed to have an emotional marble rolling around in my head at work either.

School is taking up a lot of time. Don’t get me wrong I love school but this week is just really packed with assignments and a big exam on Monday. I have to start re-applying for student loans really soon and register for next semester in a couple of weeks. Right now I do not even want to know what classes are up next.

I guess I am basically just stressed, stretched thin, emotional and a little whiny today. I don’t think that it helped much this morning when my best friend expressed concern over the new boyfriend, he did it in a way that was not exactly gentle and made me feel bad. To top it off this is the season when my divorce was final and it tends to get to me a little bit still.

 I think I have gotten everything out of my system and I actually do feel a little bit better for now. I just have to wait for the time when the house is quiet and Tooters is asleep to see if I end up in my head again and the stupid feelings start over again. I am sure that I will be all better tomorrow but I was getting to a point I could not breath and had to tell someone. Writing is always easier for me to express things rather than talking to someone, watching them roll their eyes at me then tell me that I have nothing to be upset over because look at all I have. Next person that tells me that today might want to duck I just might throw something at them.

So see I am different like I set out to be, but ended up being pretty normal at the same time. With that I am off to my next task for the day and I promise that my next post will be more uplifting. Maybe the funky mood is just going around right now because I am not the only blogger out there feeling this. Let just all go have a drink and forget the world for a while instead, my place at 8??

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5 Responses to “A Million Emotions For Sale”

  1. Eoght o’clock it is! Oh how I wish we really lived close enough to do that!

    Listen, kiddo, (here I go again) it is OK to feel like this. You ARE overwhelmed. Your life IS demanding. You ARE overburdened. You DO have a struggle ahead. You have a right to feel the way you do! Your life is hard right now. Absolutely.

    CAn you teach yourself to ask for help? I find that to be one of the hardest yet best things one can do for everyone. Your parents will probably help you in lots of ways you haven’t thought of yet. ASK! Your friends too! Tell people at work that you need some help or that you just have your plate full right now. Stop worrying about what others think when you tell them the truth: that you have no more time to help them!!

    Tooters will be fine. She knows you love and support her and she sees what you do every single day. Kids are smart like that and they are easy about forgiving people who love them .

    CAn you defer taking classes for a semester till you get your self back on an even keel?

    And last, Sunnymom, you need to take care of you! If you don’t there won’t be enough of you to even have one bubbly thought left for anyone!

    One other thing: tomorrow is another day. When you wake up you’ll see. It always seems our emotions get all bunched up and then when it feels like you can’t go on another minute…somehow you just do.

    Keep blogging. That helps.

    I’m here if you need to vent. Heck, you already were there for me/

    • Thank you so much for the words I needed to hear them today really bad. You are such a good friend and that is what friends are for to listen to each other. I also wish we lived closer at times.

      You are right about the help thing I have a problem asking for help. For some reason I think I need to do it on my own with out any help. I don’t even like to call my boyfriend and ask him to come over and keep my company for a while and make me feel better because I do not want to burden him with my emotional mess of a head. I really need to change that.

      When I do do something for me like buy a super cute pair of shoes I then feel guilty because I could have spent that money on Tooters. I think that is the mommy in me wanting to put everyone else first.

      I promise to work on it if you do too lol. Lots of love from me to you.

  2. Gee, rather than add to your depression, I’ll go slow on the critique so you have time to gather yourself.

    I have learned to use the two most difficult words in life they are “No” and “Help.”

    You need to learn to say no to people who ask you to do for them when you already have too much on your plate. This goes for at work too, don’t be the doormat everyone dumps their extra work onto. It’s not as difficult as you think.

    You need to ask for help when you can’t go it alone–I don’t hesitate asking now even if it’s only asking the neighbor’s sons to help me carry my groceries in when I’m too tired to do it. DH can’t help me when he can’t walk well now can he?

    Hang in there.

  3. THE ART OF BEING ONES SELF IS A TRUE ART INDEED! THE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD TODAY IS THAT EVERYONE IS BEING SOMETHING THERE NOT. PEOPLE ARE AFFRAID TO SHOW THEMSELF TO OTHERS OF THE FEAR OF BEING MADE FUN OF. THE TRUTH IS IN YOUR OWN WORDS, THE BEST FRIENDS ONE HAS, IS THOSE WHICH KNOW YOU WELL FOR WHOM YOU ARE FOR REAL!

  4. Very well put hatter. I have decided that even now it is to much work to put on airs and if ppl are not accepting of me and all my little quirks then they are missing out on a fun person. I am working really hard for my daughter to follow this idea. I want her to be her and a leader not a little lost sheep following the crowd. Thanks for stopping by hope to see more of you.

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