Archive for the college Category

A Million Emotions For Sale

Posted in anger, blogging, Blogroll, boss, children, co-workers, college, emergency, emotional, entertainment, exhusbands, fall, family, friends, frustration, goals, growing up, healing, help, hope, iritation, job, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, random, single mom, thoughts, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2009 by Iron Mom

OK here’s the deal I have spent a majority of my life trying to go against the grain. I never wanted to fit into the normal category and enjoyed being different. It did not always win me very many friends but the few friends I have love me for me and not for being like someone else.

Growing up I did not fit into just one click at school instead I floated from group to group just depending on who struck my fancy that day. I made sure that I did not dress like the popular cheerleader girls, aka the carbon copy Barbie dolls. Instead I just wore what I wanted and what was comfortable, I just did not care as long as it was cute.

Now dating is a different story. I have not really dated since I left my ex back in 2004. It just did not interest me. I mean why would I want to take the risk of getting tangled up with another ass just to have my heart broken over and over again. So obviously my marriage left me with issues.

I am not the typical woman. I don’t like chick flicks, instead I prefer lots and lots of blood and action. Chick flicks depress me because they are all basically the same and therefore boring. I would rather camp in the dirt and fish than sit around with girlfriends gossiping about the new clerk at the video store and his amazing butt while doing each others hair. That is just not my cup of tea. I also hate Valentine’s Day; it is just a waste of time and money. I swear it was created by the greeting card industry to make a mint off of all the suckers out there.

I prefer little thoughtful gifts that let me know he is really listening to me in lieu of big expensive crap. Don’t get me wrong I would love to get flowers at work but I am just a simple girl with simple tastes. I don’t own even one piece of lingerie because it is a waste of money and my house is not really overly girly. I am not saying I am butch or a tomboy of any sorts I just feel like I do not really fit into any one certain type of mold.

However there are certain aspects of me that are not that different from other people. Even though I hate to cry, I don’t like the feeling of weakness it gives me, I really am capable of it. I love to laugh and be close to certain people. I don’t like feeling that I am being pulled in a thousand different directions at the same time, so when I do feel that way I actually have a stressed out moment.

This brings me to what I am ultimately feeling today. I have this overwhelming feeling of failure. I am stretched so thin I am not sure I can handle much more. But being a woman I am sure I will fit something else into my life. It just seems that my spirits are low and that affects everything and everyone around me.

I am trying to make everyone around me happy and live up to his or her expectations but seem to be falling short at the moment, plus forgetting about myself. Then when I do think about me for just a moment I get to into my own head and I end up feeling worse than before.

I try to please my parents and even though they tell me they are very proud of me I always feel like some of my decisions they do not agree with and it ends up disappointing them. When I call just because I am not super bubbly on the phone, never really been bubbly to begin with, then there is a problem and I am depressed.

I have moments when I am not as patient as I can be with Tooters and that lets her down. I sit around with mommy guilt, hating myself because I chewed her out for misbehaving and made her cry. Don’t get me wrong I know she is trying to get out of trouble and she knows this trick works most of the time then I end up caving in. I also know that there are times she is going to be mad at me but I would rather avoid that all together. I also have the guilt over spending time with friends, studying, in school or working overtime in the summer because this takes time away from her.

I am trying to please everyone at the office and make sure his or her needs are met. I always end up with more tasks on my plate than I can get done in a day and end up making someone mad because their request has to wait.

 Just this morning one of the guys came in and chewed me out for getting his supplies delivered a day late, which was beyond my control it was a holiday yesterday with no deliveries. For some reason it was my fault and he let me know it without giving me a chance to explain it to him then stormed out of the office. I don’t know what came over me but I actually did start to cry just a little bit. One of the girls came in and asked me what was happening. She said you are Sunny you don’t cry and let the guys get to you. Holy crap now I am not allowed to have an emotional marble rolling around in my head at work either.

School is taking up a lot of time. Don’t get me wrong I love school but this week is just really packed with assignments and a big exam on Monday. I have to start re-applying for student loans really soon and register for next semester in a couple of weeks. Right now I do not even want to know what classes are up next.

I guess I am basically just stressed, stretched thin, emotional and a little whiny today. I don’t think that it helped much this morning when my best friend expressed concern over the new boyfriend, he did it in a way that was not exactly gentle and made me feel bad. To top it off this is the season when my divorce was final and it tends to get to me a little bit still.

 I think I have gotten everything out of my system and I actually do feel a little bit better for now. I just have to wait for the time when the house is quiet and Tooters is asleep to see if I end up in my head again and the stupid feelings start over again. I am sure that I will be all better tomorrow but I was getting to a point I could not breath and had to tell someone. Writing is always easier for me to express things rather than talking to someone, watching them roll their eyes at me then tell me that I have nothing to be upset over because look at all I have. Next person that tells me that today might want to duck I just might throw something at them.

So see I am different like I set out to be, but ended up being pretty normal at the same time. With that I am off to my next task for the day and I promise that my next post will be more uplifting. Maybe the funky mood is just going around right now because I am not the only blogger out there feeling this. Let just all go have a drink and forget the world for a while instead, my place at 8??

An Indulgent Then & A Rewarding Now

Posted in anger, bills, blogging, Blogroll, children, clothes, college, cuteness, deadbeat dads, early morning, emergency, emotional, exhusbands, fall, family, friends, frustration, fun, giving, goals, growing up, healing, health, help, hope, humor, iritation, job, KIDS, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, personality, random, single mom, thoughts, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2009 by Iron Mom

When I was a little girl I had huge ideas of how my life was going to be when I grew up. I listened intently to all the fairytales convinced that that was how real life was. Convinced that there was a prince out there just waiting for me. Waiting to come riding up on his white horse, sword waving, with a smile that I would fall in love with instantly and be there to rescue me. What he is suppose to save me from I don’t know but that is how it was suppose to happen.

Then harsh reality of adulthood sets in and those ideals faded away with my youth. Then came a bad marriage, not enough money, starting over with a child, single mom hood and the every day anxiety of raising a daughter. With that praying I am showing Tooters the right path in life so she will grow up strong and avoid the same mistakes I made. I know that she needs to make her own bad choices at times and make her own mistakes to learn from but as a mother I want to shelter her from all that.

So here I sit thinking about then and now, what a difference a few years make. Wondering how I could have done things different then kicking myself in the butt because I realize my choices made me who I am today. My choices also brought me to a place in my life that I have a career of sorts with the state, I am attending college, living paycheck to paycheck and living with my greatest accomplishment in the world. As we all grow up think about current and past choices we see what we should have done different at the time. Below is irrefutable proof of a maturing mind:

Then: Once I used to be able to party all night just to race home, shower, eat a piece of toast and go to work perky.

Now: Just the thought of a drink sends me running for the aspirin and turns my stomach. The idea of spending an evening at a bar then taking care of Tooters the next day makes a few more white hairs pop out. I would rather watch a movie at home and go to bed early.

Then: Friday night was a race to find as many people to go out with as possible. Scouting out where the hot spots were for the night and wondering how many drinks I could get the cute guy across the bar to buy me.

Now: Friday night is spent watching kid movies, doing laundry, studying or just turning in for the night before midnight. Or sitting in front of the TV with a scary movie after Tooters is finally asleep thinking OMG I am going to pay for this at 7 am when she gets up because it is after midnight.

Then: Jumping in the shower before work with the music blasting at an earsplitting level and enjoying the hot water. Being able to shave my legs and pits in peace without explaining what I am doing or why and not caring if I end up walking around the house nekkid because I forgot my clothes and a clean towel.

Now: Getting in the shower before school/work with Tooters and racing through it so that we are both done before the song ends that is on the radio. Racing out of the shower to get dressed and yelling we are in fast mode because mommy could not pry her eyes open before hitting snooze for the third time.

Then: I used to stand in front of my closet full of cute clothes that were a size 0-5 wondering which one would make my butt look the cutest for the day. Looking in my drawer and have underwear with out holes and a bra that did not have safety pins holding it together.

Now: Looking in my closet wondering which outfit is going to hide the baby pooch that will never go away and the butt that is slowly migrating south. Finding the right bra that will keep my boobs from looking like socks with sand in them. Keeping duck tape in the bedroom to tape the under wire back in place for the day.

Then: Leaving the house smelling like a girl. Every hair in perfect order as well as the make up.

Now: Lucky to escape the house with out smelling to out of place from being puked on all night. Then getting to work and remembering that I only had to time to do one eye and afraid to look in the mirror and see my hair.

Then: Working overtime at my job thinking about the new pair of boots I get to buy for going out. Knowing that all the bills were paid ahead of time and if I wanted to eat out every meal I could because it was just me.

Now: Wondering which bill I can put off for another 2 weeks because Tooters has to have medicine for her ear. Now instead of shopping the specialty shops for myself I run to the thrift store hoping they have something in my size because all my clothes are either stained or do not fit anymore just so that Tooters can have the newest movie that came out. Also praying that the can of vegetables I just threw in the stew will taste ok because that is all I have left in the cupboard.

Looking at my list I realize that my youth was spent being indulgent and selfish. Tooters is such a blessing because she made me grow up and realize there are more important things out there than myself. I enjoy every sacrifice and indulging in her wants now instead of my own. I am sad that it took such a rocky path to get here and I apologize in secret for Tooters not having a normal family like I got to have. But then again I remind myself that we went from a deplorable situation to one that is loving, safe and all mine. I get to reap the rewards everyday and the little arms wrapped around my neck at night and little lips kissing my cheek makes everything ok no matter what kind of day I have had.

Thank you Tooters for being in my life. Thank you mom and dad for your unconditional love and support. Thank you friends for letting me vent and cry when I cannot stand it anymore. Thank you to all the special people in my life for lifting my spirits when I am down.

I Have Been Twitterfied!!

Posted in blogging, children, college, entertainment, family, friends, frustration, fun, help, hope, humor, job, KIDS, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, personality, random, school, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2009 by Iron Mom

Since I am so busy and I have my first exams coming up soon, I don’t blog like I used to. Even though I miss it I just don’t have the time right now to give it my all. However I have decided to start posting short little posts everyday or every couple of days.

In the mean time I have discovered Twitter!!!! Holy crap another website to obsess over lol. I don’t quite understand the appeal, but for some reason I find myself checking it like I do email. I am tweeting (look at me with the hip lingo lol) while I am at work, on breaks from homework and anywhere I am near a puter. If I could afford internet on my phone I would tweet (see there is that word again) on the go.

So for those of you that would like to know what I do in a day or what kind of word vomit is erupting from me come follow me on twitter.com Trisha found me so can you. I am under sunnymom.

Hope to see’ya there since that is what I have time for right now!!!

What Did I Just Get Myself Into?!?!?!?!

Posted in Blogroll, children, clothes, co-workers, college, cute kid questions, cuteness, early morning, emotional, fall, family, friends, frustration, fun, funny, funny picture, funny things kids do, giving, goals, growing up, help, hope, horror, humor, job, KIDS, life, mom, parenting, personal, personality, pictures, random, resolutions, school, seasons, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2009 by Iron Mom

You know it has taken me 3 months to get here but I made it, I am officially now a college student. I am scared because I am 30 something and been out of school for so long. Luckily I am going to school online this semester and taking only two classes but I am still a little intimidated, I mean I have to learn to study and take tests all over again.

I have to admit I did take 3 classes a few years ago and did not do my best. I started out with hard classes thinking “No problem I am a smart adult, I will fly thru this thing!” OMG I was wrong. Let me just make a suggestion to everyone out there interested in college. It is not impossible for anyone, even single parents like myself, but examine what is going on around you and make sure it is a good time. I tried to do it when I had a 3 year old running around, was working full time one place, part time at another place, going through a nasty divorce, adjusting to being single again, and trying to travel in between. That is a recipe for disaster. So I am trying it again and as of today I am fully admitted, I even received all of my Pell Grant money. Wooo hooo for me!!!

Tooters is now 7 years old so I think she can handle all of it better this time. I set her down the other night and I explained to her that mommy was going back to school so I would need her help so I can pass with good grades. She looked at me and asked if I flunked something that I had to make up. I gently told her how this is good for us and will help me in my job. Then I heard my words come flying out of her mouth:

“Well you know you cannot play with your friends, the computer or anything until your homework is done. That means right after work mom, that is what you said the rule is!”

OMG what a little momma she is turning into. Even the other day riding our bikes home she made sure I was on the sidewalk behind her because it made her feel safer that I was not so close to the traffic. Crap that is what I tell her all the time. The other night I was on the phone and she overheard me cussing about something so she came into the room and reminded me that the words I was using are unacceptable and I need to remember proper manners. Holy hell I thought when I was a mommy living on my own there would be no more censorship. Well she sure showed me I guess.

I thought I would brag a little bit that I am a full fledge college student. I am stoked and so starting in May if I don’t blog as much you know where I am, hiding with my nose in a text book lol.