Archive for the living alone Category

A Million Emotions For Sale

Posted in anger, blogging, Blogroll, boss, children, co-workers, college, emergency, emotional, entertainment, exhusbands, fall, family, friends, frustration, goals, growing up, healing, help, hope, iritation, job, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, random, single mom, thoughts, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2009 by Iron Mom

OK here’s the deal I have spent a majority of my life trying to go against the grain. I never wanted to fit into the normal category and enjoyed being different. It did not always win me very many friends but the few friends I have love me for me and not for being like someone else.

Growing up I did not fit into just one click at school instead I floated from group to group just depending on who struck my fancy that day. I made sure that I did not dress like the popular cheerleader girls, aka the carbon copy Barbie dolls. Instead I just wore what I wanted and what was comfortable, I just did not care as long as it was cute.

Now dating is a different story. I have not really dated since I left my ex back in 2004. It just did not interest me. I mean why would I want to take the risk of getting tangled up with another ass just to have my heart broken over and over again. So obviously my marriage left me with issues.

I am not the typical woman. I don’t like chick flicks, instead I prefer lots and lots of blood and action. Chick flicks depress me because they are all basically the same and therefore boring. I would rather camp in the dirt and fish than sit around with girlfriends gossiping about the new clerk at the video store and his amazing butt while doing each others hair. That is just not my cup of tea. I also hate Valentine’s Day; it is just a waste of time and money. I swear it was created by the greeting card industry to make a mint off of all the suckers out there.

I prefer little thoughtful gifts that let me know he is really listening to me in lieu of big expensive crap. Don’t get me wrong I would love to get flowers at work but I am just a simple girl with simple tastes. I don’t own even one piece of lingerie because it is a waste of money and my house is not really overly girly. I am not saying I am butch or a tomboy of any sorts I just feel like I do not really fit into any one certain type of mold.

However there are certain aspects of me that are not that different from other people. Even though I hate to cry, I don’t like the feeling of weakness it gives me, I really am capable of it. I love to laugh and be close to certain people. I don’t like feeling that I am being pulled in a thousand different directions at the same time, so when I do feel that way I actually have a stressed out moment.

This brings me to what I am ultimately feeling today. I have this overwhelming feeling of failure. I am stretched so thin I am not sure I can handle much more. But being a woman I am sure I will fit something else into my life. It just seems that my spirits are low and that affects everything and everyone around me.

I am trying to make everyone around me happy and live up to his or her expectations but seem to be falling short at the moment, plus forgetting about myself. Then when I do think about me for just a moment I get to into my own head and I end up feeling worse than before.

I try to please my parents and even though they tell me they are very proud of me I always feel like some of my decisions they do not agree with and it ends up disappointing them. When I call just because I am not super bubbly on the phone, never really been bubbly to begin with, then there is a problem and I am depressed.

I have moments when I am not as patient as I can be with Tooters and that lets her down. I sit around with mommy guilt, hating myself because I chewed her out for misbehaving and made her cry. Don’t get me wrong I know she is trying to get out of trouble and she knows this trick works most of the time then I end up caving in. I also know that there are times she is going to be mad at me but I would rather avoid that all together. I also have the guilt over spending time with friends, studying, in school or working overtime in the summer because this takes time away from her.

I am trying to please everyone at the office and make sure his or her needs are met. I always end up with more tasks on my plate than I can get done in a day and end up making someone mad because their request has to wait.

 Just this morning one of the guys came in and chewed me out for getting his supplies delivered a day late, which was beyond my control it was a holiday yesterday with no deliveries. For some reason it was my fault and he let me know it without giving me a chance to explain it to him then stormed out of the office. I don’t know what came over me but I actually did start to cry just a little bit. One of the girls came in and asked me what was happening. She said you are Sunny you don’t cry and let the guys get to you. Holy crap now I am not allowed to have an emotional marble rolling around in my head at work either.

School is taking up a lot of time. Don’t get me wrong I love school but this week is just really packed with assignments and a big exam on Monday. I have to start re-applying for student loans really soon and register for next semester in a couple of weeks. Right now I do not even want to know what classes are up next.

I guess I am basically just stressed, stretched thin, emotional and a little whiny today. I don’t think that it helped much this morning when my best friend expressed concern over the new boyfriend, he did it in a way that was not exactly gentle and made me feel bad. To top it off this is the season when my divorce was final and it tends to get to me a little bit still.

 I think I have gotten everything out of my system and I actually do feel a little bit better for now. I just have to wait for the time when the house is quiet and Tooters is asleep to see if I end up in my head again and the stupid feelings start over again. I am sure that I will be all better tomorrow but I was getting to a point I could not breath and had to tell someone. Writing is always easier for me to express things rather than talking to someone, watching them roll their eyes at me then tell me that I have nothing to be upset over because look at all I have. Next person that tells me that today might want to duck I just might throw something at them.

So see I am different like I set out to be, but ended up being pretty normal at the same time. With that I am off to my next task for the day and I promise that my next post will be more uplifting. Maybe the funky mood is just going around right now because I am not the only blogger out there feeling this. Let just all go have a drink and forget the world for a while instead, my place at 8??

An Indulgent Then & A Rewarding Now

Posted in anger, bills, blogging, Blogroll, children, clothes, college, cuteness, deadbeat dads, early morning, emergency, emotional, exhusbands, fall, family, friends, frustration, fun, giving, goals, growing up, healing, health, help, hope, humor, iritation, job, KIDS, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, personality, random, single mom, thoughts, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2009 by Iron Mom

When I was a little girl I had huge ideas of how my life was going to be when I grew up. I listened intently to all the fairytales convinced that that was how real life was. Convinced that there was a prince out there just waiting for me. Waiting to come riding up on his white horse, sword waving, with a smile that I would fall in love with instantly and be there to rescue me. What he is suppose to save me from I don’t know but that is how it was suppose to happen.

Then harsh reality of adulthood sets in and those ideals faded away with my youth. Then came a bad marriage, not enough money, starting over with a child, single mom hood and the every day anxiety of raising a daughter. With that praying I am showing Tooters the right path in life so she will grow up strong and avoid the same mistakes I made. I know that she needs to make her own bad choices at times and make her own mistakes to learn from but as a mother I want to shelter her from all that.

So here I sit thinking about then and now, what a difference a few years make. Wondering how I could have done things different then kicking myself in the butt because I realize my choices made me who I am today. My choices also brought me to a place in my life that I have a career of sorts with the state, I am attending college, living paycheck to paycheck and living with my greatest accomplishment in the world. As we all grow up think about current and past choices we see what we should have done different at the time. Below is irrefutable proof of a maturing mind:

Then: Once I used to be able to party all night just to race home, shower, eat a piece of toast and go to work perky.

Now: Just the thought of a drink sends me running for the aspirin and turns my stomach. The idea of spending an evening at a bar then taking care of Tooters the next day makes a few more white hairs pop out. I would rather watch a movie at home and go to bed early.

Then: Friday night was a race to find as many people to go out with as possible. Scouting out where the hot spots were for the night and wondering how many drinks I could get the cute guy across the bar to buy me.

Now: Friday night is spent watching kid movies, doing laundry, studying or just turning in for the night before midnight. Or sitting in front of the TV with a scary movie after Tooters is finally asleep thinking OMG I am going to pay for this at 7 am when she gets up because it is after midnight.

Then: Jumping in the shower before work with the music blasting at an earsplitting level and enjoying the hot water. Being able to shave my legs and pits in peace without explaining what I am doing or why and not caring if I end up walking around the house nekkid because I forgot my clothes and a clean towel.

Now: Getting in the shower before school/work with Tooters and racing through it so that we are both done before the song ends that is on the radio. Racing out of the shower to get dressed and yelling we are in fast mode because mommy could not pry her eyes open before hitting snooze for the third time.

Then: I used to stand in front of my closet full of cute clothes that were a size 0-5 wondering which one would make my butt look the cutest for the day. Looking in my drawer and have underwear with out holes and a bra that did not have safety pins holding it together.

Now: Looking in my closet wondering which outfit is going to hide the baby pooch that will never go away and the butt that is slowly migrating south. Finding the right bra that will keep my boobs from looking like socks with sand in them. Keeping duck tape in the bedroom to tape the under wire back in place for the day.

Then: Leaving the house smelling like a girl. Every hair in perfect order as well as the make up.

Now: Lucky to escape the house with out smelling to out of place from being puked on all night. Then getting to work and remembering that I only had to time to do one eye and afraid to look in the mirror and see my hair.

Then: Working overtime at my job thinking about the new pair of boots I get to buy for going out. Knowing that all the bills were paid ahead of time and if I wanted to eat out every meal I could because it was just me.

Now: Wondering which bill I can put off for another 2 weeks because Tooters has to have medicine for her ear. Now instead of shopping the specialty shops for myself I run to the thrift store hoping they have something in my size because all my clothes are either stained or do not fit anymore just so that Tooters can have the newest movie that came out. Also praying that the can of vegetables I just threw in the stew will taste ok because that is all I have left in the cupboard.

Looking at my list I realize that my youth was spent being indulgent and selfish. Tooters is such a blessing because she made me grow up and realize there are more important things out there than myself. I enjoy every sacrifice and indulging in her wants now instead of my own. I am sad that it took such a rocky path to get here and I apologize in secret for Tooters not having a normal family like I got to have. But then again I remind myself that we went from a deplorable situation to one that is loving, safe and all mine. I get to reap the rewards everyday and the little arms wrapped around my neck at night and little lips kissing my cheek makes everything ok no matter what kind of day I have had.

Thank you Tooters for being in my life. Thank you mom and dad for your unconditional love and support. Thank you friends for letting me vent and cry when I cannot stand it anymore. Thank you to all the special people in my life for lifting my spirits when I am down.

The Neighborhood Cujo

Posted in anger, Blogroll, children, dog, emergency, emotional, exercise, family, frustration, help, hope, horror, humor, iritation, KIDS, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, pets, pictures, puggle, random, scary movie, single mom, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2009 by Iron Mom

With my insane schedule right now I worry about not spending enough time with Tooter’s, so I have been making an extra effort to make sure she is getting the attention she needs.  I take one day every weekend and we go do something special, then I come home and hit the books hard.  I usually end up studying until midnight but I think that the trade off is worth it.  Anyways in order to keep my sanity Tooter’s and I have been jogging at night with the Wonder Pup.  Last night we ate kind of late so we just walked the neighborhood instead and boy was it eventful. 

 

We did our usual route all up and down a couple of streets before coming to the through street we turn on.  Everything was normal, you know the usual kids out playing in the street, occasional dogs wondering around and typical neighborhood noises.  Well when we got close to the intersection that brings us back to our road it happened…… we were attacked.

 

Really I am not joking!  There is this house with a cute three foot wooden fence in front that we were walking by with a couple of big dogs in the yard.  Now the Wonder Pup cannot see through the fence so she does not pay attention to the dogs unless they come over and bark at her first.  This doesn’t bother me because they are just talking to us and protecting their yard.  But last night was different the huge rotwieller that weighs more than me actually jumped the fence. 

 

Ok I am not afraid of dogs but watching this thing fly over the fence put the image of Cujo in my head.  I managed to shove Tooters out of the way so she would not get bitten, at the same time looking up for the owners.  The Wonder Pup was scared and trying to bark while hiding behind me at the same time.  All this did was piss off the dog even more and made it chase her around me to get at her.  I ended up turning circles to keep the rot away from the Wonder Pup and try to keep from getting bit myself.  Poor Tooters was scared but I don’t remember hearing her scream or cry, however when it was done I saw a few tears that escaped.  

 

Anyways all I could think to do was scream, “Help me! Help me! Come get your dog!” 

 

I did this over and over for what seemed like eternity until the man came out of the house to get his horror machine.  He did ask me if the dog bit anyone.  The thing is he asked it like he was asking about my day, very calm like this is a normal conversation for him.  I told him that the dog flew over the fence and came after the Wonder Pup and me. 

 

Now here is where things heated up.   I was so scared and full of adrenaline that we started walking away still trying to process what happened.  The wife came flying out of the door and called me a liar because the dog did not bite anyone.  I calmly told her I did not say the dog bit us just that it came after us.  She looked at me like I was a piece of shit on her shoe and informed me the monster is friendly and would not hurt anyone. 

 

I beg to differ after seeing it launch itself at us but I did not want to get into a fight with her in front of Tooters.  I just wanted to get us safely home, check every inch of us for damage and cuddle Tooters till we both stopped shaking.  The bitch kept giving me the stink eye and saying nothing really happened.  You know I managed to keep my cool for as long as I could and tried to keep going towards home, but I finally just had to say something.  So I informed her that if my daughter has even a drool mark on her she would be in a world of shit and I would call animal control. 

 

This is just an empty threat but it made me feel better at the time.  The fear of retaliation kept me from calling anyone since I just live around the corner.  It is times like this I have to be extra cautious since it is just the three of us in the house.  Plus the Wonder Pup is outside all day while we are gone and what would stop them from harming her.  This is also the time of year I start working at nights as well so I cannot protect the house. 

 

I got home, calmed down and checked everyone for marks.  Wouldn’t you know it the only one that came out of it with a mark was me; I have a nice little bruise from one of the teeth.  Needless to say I am sitting here today reconsidering calling someone about that dog.  It is not fair to us that we can no longer walk that part of the neighborhood with the fear of being attacked again.  What’s to say next time the stupid monster actually bites one of us??

 

Tooters did tell me as she was getting into bed that she is going to save up for a dog bigger than Cujo around the corner so it can protect the Wonder Pup and us from being attacked again.   This was so sweet I just hugged her and hugged her until it was time to read to her. 

 

I just want to play, I swear

I just want to play, I swear

P.S. I found out that reading my psychology book to her at night helps me study and man does it put her out quick lol.

I Have Been Twitterfied!!

Posted in blogging, children, college, entertainment, family, friends, frustration, fun, help, hope, humor, job, KIDS, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, personality, random, school, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2009 by Iron Mom

Since I am so busy and I have my first exams coming up soon, I don’t blog like I used to. Even though I miss it I just don’t have the time right now to give it my all. However I have decided to start posting short little posts everyday or every couple of days.

In the mean time I have discovered Twitter!!!! Holy crap another website to obsess over lol. I don’t quite understand the appeal, but for some reason I find myself checking it like I do email. I am tweeting (look at me with the hip lingo lol) while I am at work, on breaks from homework and anywhere I am near a puter. If I could afford internet on my phone I would tweet (see there is that word again) on the go.

So for those of you that would like to know what I do in a day or what kind of word vomit is erupting from me come follow me on twitter.com Trisha found me so can you. I am under sunnymom.

Hope to see’ya there since that is what I have time for right now!!!

Follow Me Tooters

Posted in angels, blogging, Blogroll, children, emergency, emotional, family, friends, frustration, giving, giving generousity, growing up, healing, health, help, hope, KIDS, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, personality, random, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2009 by Iron Mom

It is finally my turn to give back to someone around me. For so long I have had to rely on the people around me for help since my divorce. It is not something I like to do, but it is something that I have had to do. I get help from my parents with baby-sitting Tooters and of course they spoil her rotten with clothes and toys. My other friends have helped over the years with baby-sitting, letting me vent and just plain being there when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

I have also sat back and watched my parents help out people around them with a little bit of jealousy because I am not in the position to give back to others like that. I sit around and just try to be patient waiting my turn to give back something, help someone in need, or have that incredible feeling from being an awesome friend.

I finally got my chance this weekend. My best friend called my cell phone the other night and asked me to go pick up her daughter from her roommate since he was having some kind of melt down. She felt it was not a good place for her kiddo to be at the time. The little girl was in no danger or anything but why leave her in a stressful situation when she did not have to? Of course I was thrilled that she thought of me to help her and out the door I ran with Tooters hot on my heels.

I got back to the house with both girls who by the way were elated that they were going to be there watching movies late until my friend got off of work. I called her to let her know that everyone was safe and currently being sugared up on ice cream. I told her that since the roommate was being a dick that she was welcome to stay the night at my house. I had even made sure I was stocked up on herbal tea so we could have a good old fashion male bashing session. Sorry guys!! She agreed with me and said she would be there as soon as she picked up some clothes.

A few hours later my cell phone rang and it was my friend crying that the dick kicked her out. I got her as calm as I could and told her that the two of them are going to stay with me until we can find her a place or figure something out. I had my cousin that is visiting take the girls out for a Happy Meal so that they did not see my friend if she showed up crying. That was so cool for the girls to be going out of the house to McDonalds with someone new at 9:30 at night.

I have now set up my friend and her daughter in Tooters room. She is welcome at my house for as long as she can stand the insanity or she finds a new place to live. When Tooters asked about what was happening I told her what my mom used to tell me, we are building our stairway to heaven. I was taught growing up that you have so many steps to build in your lifetime in order to reach heaven but you only build each one by doing something good for others. So Tooters and I have added to our stairway this weekend.

 As bad as I feel for my friend and what she is going through I want to thank her. Thank you for being a friend to me, allowing me to be your friend, and letting me do something good for you. Thank you for asking for my help and giving me the gift of feeling incredible as I help you in your time of need. Thank you for being the strong, brave woman that is not afraid to ask for help so that I can take all of the good things people have done for me and pay it forward to you.

Someday Tooters will understand just how precious it is to help others and to relish in the feeling that comes from it. I know that my parents are the ones that have shown me that path so it is now my turn to take Tooters by the hand and guide her this way with me. It is a beautiful fulfilling path and I just pray that she appreciates where it goes, because it is a well-worn one paved in smiles behind us.

mom-and-daughter

The Gift That Won’t Quit Giving

Posted in anger, bills, blogging, Blogroll, cuteness, deadbeat dads, emotional, exhusbands, fall, family, frustration, funny picture, goals, growing up, healing, health, help, hope, horror, humor, iritation, kicking ass, KIDS, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, personality, pictures, random, resolutions, sick, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2009 by Iron Mom

As everyone is well aware of I am a divorced single working mom trying to survive paycheck to paycheck and not lose my mind in the mean time.  Well I had something happen last week that almost pushed me over the edge.  I once again received another “gift” from my ex-husband that I fondly refer to as the Donor.  That is basically all he is.  I thank him all the time for giving me the gift of Tooters but that is the only thing that I want to keep from him. 

 

I know I have ranted about it before but I just do not understand how someone can help create this beautiful and hilariously lively little girl then walk away without looking back.  Unless, his mom forces him to have contact or he is trying to look good for his new woman in his life.  But on the other hand I am selfish and get her all to myself to enjoy her everyday antics, frustrations, and love.  He has had no contact with her for over a year now and not seen her face to face in three.  As for child support, don’t even get me started on that one.

 

Anyways I was checking my email like I always do and I saw that I had an email from my old satellite company, Dish Network.  I have been getting emails from them since I had service with them way back when I was married.  I usually just delete it since I just figured they were advertisements trying to get my business again.  This time was different the subject line read, “View your estatement now!” 

 

What the hell?!?!?! What statement?? I have lived in Utah for over five years since leaving him and he was suppose to take my name off of all the bills.   So of course I called the company and asked how they could bill me for service I have not had in that long.  Here is what I got told,

 

“Well Mrs. Donor this is an outstanding bill for pay-per-view porn movies from 3 years ago.  You will need to pay this immediately or else we will be forced to send it to collections and it will go on your credit report.”

 

Now here is the thing, I have been in my house for over 4 years with cable because I cannot attach a satellite to the house per my landlord.  I, calmly as I could, explained this to them and even gave them the number to my cable to company if they wanted to verify that I have not even lived in the state of New Mexico since before the bill was accrued.  I probably used a few words that I shouldn’t have, but I was so beyond pissed I could not help it.  I think I could actually hear the first young lady on the phone blush a little bit.  To you young lady I am really sorry. 

 

Of course they declined and after I talked to several “supervisors” I got told they will do what they can to get my name off of the bill and send it to the Donor but they could not make any promises.  That actually asked me for his address.  I was at a loss for words by this point and told them just take the name off of the account and I do not watch smutt like that then hung up the phone before screaming and crying some more. 

 

The crying part actually pissed me off some more.  I know it is human to cry but I hate to personally because it feels like I am being weak.  Then I get even more pissed off at the Donor because he made me feel this way.  I usually let my pity party go on for a little while, pick myself back up, brush my tears away and regain my steel spine so I can continue on with my life.  I refuse to allow him to have that much power over me.  He had that power when we were married but not anymore!!!

 

So I have decided that this boil on the butt of humanity is like a bad gift that will not quit giving.  I cannot even call the ass because I do not know where he is at right now.  Really I don’t think he wants me to call him anyways because I have a lot of choice words for him that he probably does not want to hear. 

 

I actually feel better getting the words out and ranting a little bit, so now I am going to go home take out my anger on some weeds that need to be pulled then curl up with Tooters and watch some television.  If anyone out there runs into my ex please let him know that I am waiting for him with a ton of bills worth several thousands of dollar and a foot for his ass. 

 

 

My ass kicking shoes

My ass kicking shoes

Do You Have A Little Marley In Your House??

Posted in anger, Blogroll, children, cuteness, dog, Dolls, emotional, entertainment, family, friends, frustration, fun, funny, funny picture, funny things kids do, growing up, healing, hope, humor, iritation, KIDS, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, personality, pets, pictures, puggle, random, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized on April 11, 2009 by Iron Mom

Tooters and I watched a touching movie tonight that gave me the urge to write. We sat up and watched “Marley and Me”. If you have not seen this movie I highly suggest that you do. It is one of the feel good type of movies that makes you smile and leaves you crying at the end. Not only that but it makes me want to wrap up Tooters and the Wonder Pup in an extra big hug and love them with every part of my body.

We all have a little Marley in our lives mine just came in the form of a puggle. At the end of the movie the main guy points out how dogs loves us not for what we are or what we have but just for taking care of them, loving them and being there. I think if the whole world had a little more Marley that it would be a nicer place to live and love.

My little piece of Marley chews underwear, dolls, trash and everything in between. I am not even sure how most of it gets digested but it does. But no matter how much the Wonder Pup chews, barks, jumps on people, or misbehaves we love her just the same. She is always there when we get home for the day excited just because we walked through the door. We go to bed at night and she is so eager to get into the bed with me just to be hugged and loved.

This brings me to a funny little story that happened tonight. Tooters and I got home around 10:00. As usual I got my house key out and we walked up to the door. Earlier in the day I had opened the blinds on my side door to let the sunlight in and forgot to shut them before leaving. Well we peeked in to see what the Wonder Pup was doing and she was asleep on her princess pillow. I don’t know what made me do it, but instead of just opening the door like normal people I rattled it like I was trying to break in.

Now normal dogs would bark their heads off with their hair standing up on the neck ready to kill who ever was trying to come into their home. But not my Wonder Pup! The Marley in her came out full force. She jumped off of her pillow and ran straight into her cage that I keep in the kitchen with the door open. There among her pillow and blankets she hid from us. Tooters and I melted in a fit of giggles as I rattled the door some more. When we looked in to see what was happening I saw just one black eye and ear peeking out of the cage door looking at the noise. Quick as a flash she ran up the hallway towards the bedrooms then peared around the corner with just the one eye and ear again. Tooters and I probably looked like a couple of goons standing on my side step rattling the door and giggling until our sides hurt. Finally I opened the door and the Wonder Pup tackled us in a fit of licking like usual.

In the short time I had left my little piece of Marley she had managed to find Tooters’ Polly Pockets and chew them. I am sure I will be finding pieces of rubber clothes in her poop in the yard in the next few days. But in spite of all this we love our Wonder Pup no matter what she does. We may get mad at her less then stellar behavior sometimes but she is ours and we know that she loves us back above all else.

This just proves that she is all bark and sometimes not even that lol. I just hope that she lives a very long time so we can continue to have her in our lives. I may not have a big family or even a normal one, but I have my girls. The three of us fill my house with noises of love and happiness that I will treasure forever. I would not give it up for the world.

When I dreamed of a family as a kid I never thought that this is the type of family I would end up with. However it is mine and we are rich with love and that is more than I could ever have asked for. So with that I am headed to my bed for the night to cuddle with my daughter and Wonder Pup. I will fight for room and covers but do it willing and very happily.

 Good night everyone!!!!

I'm really good when I am asleep!!

I'm really good when I am asleep!!