OK here’s the deal I have spent a majority of my life trying to go against the grain. I never wanted to fit into the normal category and enjoyed being different. It did not always win me very many friends but the few friends I have love me for me and not for being like someone else.
Growing up I did not fit into just one click at school instead I floated from group to group just depending on who struck my fancy that day. I made sure that I did not dress like the popular cheerleader girls, aka the carbon copy Barbie dolls. Instead I just wore what I wanted and what was comfortable, I just did not care as long as it was cute.
Now dating is a different story. I have not really dated since I left my ex back in 2004. It just did not interest me. I mean why would I want to take the risk of getting tangled up with another ass just to have my heart broken over and over again. So obviously my marriage left me with issues.
I am not the typical woman. I don’t like chick flicks, instead I prefer lots and lots of blood and action. Chick flicks depress me because they are all basically the same and therefore boring. I would rather camp in the dirt and fish than sit around with girlfriends gossiping about the new clerk at the video store and his amazing butt while doing each others hair. That is just not my cup of tea. I also hate Valentine’s Day; it is just a waste of time and money. I swear it was created by the greeting card industry to make a mint off of all the suckers out there.
I prefer little thoughtful gifts that let me know he is really listening to me in lieu of big expensive crap. Don’t get me wrong I would love to get flowers at work but I am just a simple girl with simple tastes. I don’t own even one piece of lingerie because it is a waste of money and my house is not really overly girly. I am not saying I am butch or a tomboy of any sorts I just feel like I do not really fit into any one certain type of mold.
However there are certain aspects of me that are not that different from other people. Even though I hate to cry, I don’t like the feeling of weakness it gives me, I really am capable of it. I love to laugh and be close to certain people. I don’t like feeling that I am being pulled in a thousand different directions at the same time, so when I do feel that way I actually have a stressed out moment.
This brings me to what I am ultimately feeling today. I have this overwhelming feeling of failure. I am stretched so thin I am not sure I can handle much more. But being a woman I am sure I will fit something else into my life. It just seems that my spirits are low and that affects everything and everyone around me.
I am trying to make everyone around me happy and live up to his or her expectations but seem to be falling short at the moment, plus forgetting about myself. Then when I do think about me for just a moment I get to into my own head and I end up feeling worse than before.
I try to please my parents and even though they tell me they are very proud of me I always feel like some of my decisions they do not agree with and it ends up disappointing them. When I call just because I am not super bubbly on the phone, never really been bubbly to begin with, then there is a problem and I am depressed.
I have moments when I am not as patient as I can be with Tooters and that lets her down. I sit around with mommy guilt, hating myself because I chewed her out for misbehaving and made her cry. Don’t get me wrong I know she is trying to get out of trouble and she knows this trick works most of the time then I end up caving in. I also know that there are times she is going to be mad at me but I would rather avoid that all together. I also have the guilt over spending time with friends, studying, in school or working overtime in the summer because this takes time away from her.
I am trying to please everyone at the office and make sure his or her needs are met. I always end up with more tasks on my plate than I can get done in a day and end up making someone mad because their request has to wait.
Just this morning one of the guys came in and chewed me out for getting his supplies delivered a day late, which was beyond my control it was a holiday yesterday with no deliveries. For some reason it was my fault and he let me know it without giving me a chance to explain it to him then stormed out of the office. I don’t know what came over me but I actually did start to cry just a little bit. One of the girls came in and asked me what was happening. She said you are Sunny you don’t cry and let the guys get to you. Holy crap now I am not allowed to have an emotional marble rolling around in my head at work either.
School is taking up a lot of time. Don’t get me wrong I love school but this week is just really packed with assignments and a big exam on Monday. I have to start re-applying for student loans really soon and register for next semester in a couple of weeks. Right now I do not even want to know what classes are up next.
I guess I am basically just stressed, stretched thin, emotional and a little whiny today. I don’t think that it helped much this morning when my best friend expressed concern over the new boyfriend, he did it in a way that was not exactly gentle and made me feel bad. To top it off this is the season when my divorce was final and it tends to get to me a little bit still.
I think I have gotten everything out of my system and I actually do feel a little bit better for now. I just have to wait for the time when the house is quiet and Tooters is asleep to see if I end up in my head again and the stupid feelings start over again. I am sure that I will be all better tomorrow but I was getting to a point I could not breath and had to tell someone. Writing is always easier for me to express things rather than talking to someone, watching them roll their eyes at me then tell me that I have nothing to be upset over because look at all I have. Next person that tells me that today might want to duck I just might throw something at them.
So see I am different like I set out to be, but ended up being pretty normal at the same time. With that I am off to my next task for the day and I promise that my next post will be more uplifting. Maybe the funky mood is just going around right now because I am not the only blogger out there feeling this. Let just all go have a drink and forget the world for a while instead, my place at 8??