Archive for overwhelmed

A Million Emotions For Sale

Posted in anger, blogging, Blogroll, boss, children, co-workers, college, emergency, emotional, entertainment, exhusbands, fall, family, friends, frustration, goals, growing up, healing, help, hope, iritation, job, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, random, single mom, thoughts, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2009 by Iron Mom

OK here’s the deal I have spent a majority of my life trying to go against the grain. I never wanted to fit into the normal category and enjoyed being different. It did not always win me very many friends but the few friends I have love me for me and not for being like someone else.

Growing up I did not fit into just one click at school instead I floated from group to group just depending on who struck my fancy that day. I made sure that I did not dress like the popular cheerleader girls, aka the carbon copy Barbie dolls. Instead I just wore what I wanted and what was comfortable, I just did not care as long as it was cute.

Now dating is a different story. I have not really dated since I left my ex back in 2004. It just did not interest me. I mean why would I want to take the risk of getting tangled up with another ass just to have my heart broken over and over again. So obviously my marriage left me with issues.

I am not the typical woman. I don’t like chick flicks, instead I prefer lots and lots of blood and action. Chick flicks depress me because they are all basically the same and therefore boring. I would rather camp in the dirt and fish than sit around with girlfriends gossiping about the new clerk at the video store and his amazing butt while doing each others hair. That is just not my cup of tea. I also hate Valentine’s Day; it is just a waste of time and money. I swear it was created by the greeting card industry to make a mint off of all the suckers out there.

I prefer little thoughtful gifts that let me know he is really listening to me in lieu of big expensive crap. Don’t get me wrong I would love to get flowers at work but I am just a simple girl with simple tastes. I don’t own even one piece of lingerie because it is a waste of money and my house is not really overly girly. I am not saying I am butch or a tomboy of any sorts I just feel like I do not really fit into any one certain type of mold.

However there are certain aspects of me that are not that different from other people. Even though I hate to cry, I don’t like the feeling of weakness it gives me, I really am capable of it. I love to laugh and be close to certain people. I don’t like feeling that I am being pulled in a thousand different directions at the same time, so when I do feel that way I actually have a stressed out moment.

This brings me to what I am ultimately feeling today. I have this overwhelming feeling of failure. I am stretched so thin I am not sure I can handle much more. But being a woman I am sure I will fit something else into my life. It just seems that my spirits are low and that affects everything and everyone around me.

I am trying to make everyone around me happy and live up to his or her expectations but seem to be falling short at the moment, plus forgetting about myself. Then when I do think about me for just a moment I get to into my own head and I end up feeling worse than before.

I try to please my parents and even though they tell me they are very proud of me I always feel like some of my decisions they do not agree with and it ends up disappointing them. When I call just because I am not super bubbly on the phone, never really been bubbly to begin with, then there is a problem and I am depressed.

I have moments when I am not as patient as I can be with Tooters and that lets her down. I sit around with mommy guilt, hating myself because I chewed her out for misbehaving and made her cry. Don’t get me wrong I know she is trying to get out of trouble and she knows this trick works most of the time then I end up caving in. I also know that there are times she is going to be mad at me but I would rather avoid that all together. I also have the guilt over spending time with friends, studying, in school or working overtime in the summer because this takes time away from her.

I am trying to please everyone at the office and make sure his or her needs are met. I always end up with more tasks on my plate than I can get done in a day and end up making someone mad because their request has to wait.

 Just this morning one of the guys came in and chewed me out for getting his supplies delivered a day late, which was beyond my control it was a holiday yesterday with no deliveries. For some reason it was my fault and he let me know it without giving me a chance to explain it to him then stormed out of the office. I don’t know what came over me but I actually did start to cry just a little bit. One of the girls came in and asked me what was happening. She said you are Sunny you don’t cry and let the guys get to you. Holy crap now I am not allowed to have an emotional marble rolling around in my head at work either.

School is taking up a lot of time. Don’t get me wrong I love school but this week is just really packed with assignments and a big exam on Monday. I have to start re-applying for student loans really soon and register for next semester in a couple of weeks. Right now I do not even want to know what classes are up next.

I guess I am basically just stressed, stretched thin, emotional and a little whiny today. I don’t think that it helped much this morning when my best friend expressed concern over the new boyfriend, he did it in a way that was not exactly gentle and made me feel bad. To top it off this is the season when my divorce was final and it tends to get to me a little bit still.

 I think I have gotten everything out of my system and I actually do feel a little bit better for now. I just have to wait for the time when the house is quiet and Tooters is asleep to see if I end up in my head again and the stupid feelings start over again. I am sure that I will be all better tomorrow but I was getting to a point I could not breath and had to tell someone. Writing is always easier for me to express things rather than talking to someone, watching them roll their eyes at me then tell me that I have nothing to be upset over because look at all I have. Next person that tells me that today might want to duck I just might throw something at them.

So see I am different like I set out to be, but ended up being pretty normal at the same time. With that I am off to my next task for the day and I promise that my next post will be more uplifting. Maybe the funky mood is just going around right now because I am not the only blogger out there feeling this. Let just all go have a drink and forget the world for a while instead, my place at 8??

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Mommy Mommy Mommy

Posted in Blogroll, emotional, family, humor, KIDS, life, personal, random, thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2008 by Iron Mom

First off I want to apologize to the few people that actually read my blog.  I had an entry up that I included a short story that I wrote.  It was a very powerful and emotional story that was very very close to my heart.  Anyways I had to take it down because I have entered it into a few contests and I am trying to get it published along with a few of my other short stories.  One of the magazines I am submitting to asks that the story not be published at the time of submission including blogs.  So if I can ever get someone to buy it I will re-post it.

 

So now onto today’s post.  I think that the above title says it all.  It does not matter what I am doing or whom I am talking to, Tooters chooses that moment to follow me everywhere close enough to step on my heels.  (I am a compulsive pacer when I am on the phone).  I work for the government so that means that I work A LOT and take phone calls at home in the evening sometimes.  Tooter chooses this time to be loud, repeat mommy mommy over and over again or just plain do what she wants and not listen to me.  This is a new behavior and only started recently. Please do not get me wrong she is such a good girl but she has figured out (I swear there was help from one of her friends) that when I am on the phone with my boss she can get away with murder until I am off the phone. 

 

Well the other night was especially busy because there is on going extra paperwork and stuff regarding the very large forest fire in my area recently.  Part of my job deals with wildfires, pretty cool huh!!  So while we are deep in our conversation about bureaucratic bull crap paperwork Tooters is pulling on me with the usual questions and complaints, “I’m hungry. I am bored.  Can I have some candy?  Can I go play next door? Can I keep bugging you until you want to rip your ear off?”  Well you get the hint.  Finally I put my boss on hold and I told Tooters that if she did not let me deal with work for 15 peaceful minutes I would call the cable company and cancel Disney.  OMG did that start a tantrum.  You would have thought I was abusing the poor child instead of just threatening to cancel the channel with Hannah Montana.  I told her that if she did not calm down and go watch cartoons right now she would spend everyday after school in her room until Christmas.   That did the trick and off she went sniffing with every step.

 

Please understand I rarely ever talk like that to her but I swear it was one thing after another that day.   First the dog puked in the living room, I locked myself out of the house and to top it all off I had a flat tire.  I did not realize it until I got to the gas station for gas.  So I pulled off to the side and started to change the tire and here is where it got really bad.   There was some jackass that was watching me from his semi, he got out and came over to me.  Here I am thanking God that someone was going to help me and instead he stands there eating his breakfast telling me that I am not doing it right.  One of the things my dad made sure I know how to do in life is change a tire so I know I was doing it right.  Finally I looked up at him and told him he should try doing this with torn tendons in his shoulder (that is a whole different post all to itself) and if he was not going to help he could go right back to his truck.  I think this pissed him off but I did not care at the time.  I eventually could not take the pain and called for help. 

 

It seemed like it just got worse from there so you can imagine what kind of mood I was in when I got home that night.  With that being told this brings me back to Tooters.  While she was in the other room I could hear the cartoons going and decided she took my threats serious and was letting me finish up with work.  After another 30 minutes I got off of the phone and headed for the living room to thank Tooters for being a good girl.  I walked into the room and there she was and there was the room.  I hear something scream and I realized it was me; Tooters just sat there with an “Oh shit” look on her face. 

 

That precious child had destroyed the living room by bringing every toy she owns in with her and scattered them on the floor.  At the end of the couch she built a tent for the Wonder Pup and had blocked her inside in a time out for knocking over her Lego’s.  To top it all off she was coloring with my highlighters that I use to keep track of where I am at on my cross-stitch patterns.  She had colored a few pictures and had scribbled them down to a nub. 

 

After that I just needed some me time so I did not even make her clean up at that moment I told her just to get ready for bed and go to sleep.  She must have known that I was very upset and tired because she was in bed in record time even though it was only 7:30.  I ended up cleaning most of the mess up myself before sitting down for a minute.  This is one of those days that is especially challenging being an only parent.  I mean if there were someone else there at least the mess would have been avoided.  I sometimes get angry for being alone at times like this but then I take a breathe and think I am ok and I would not trade my life for anything.  Besides that will teach me to ignore the “mommy mommy mommy” pleading from a restless six years old.