Not A Bright Shiny Moment

Let’s play a little game called “What If?”  I’ll ask the questions and give my answer to it, then if you want to play too leave your answers in the comments. 

 What if there are a bunch of young muscular studs working really hard in the ware yard behind your office, do they need to be harassed?

 In my eyes anyone younger than me is fair game.  Of course I am going to bug them; it keeps them focused and they work harder to prove this lady wrong.

 What if they decided to harass you back? Do you amp up the remarks or walk away?

 Now who out there that knows me would even begin to think I would walk away from that.  Of course not, I amp it up and try to keep up with the guys, for some reason I feel like I have something to prove to the male species.

 What if  they start showing off by finding these big boards and trying to move them one person to a board, after they strip off the shirts and give you a good showing of their sweaty, young muscled bodies?

 Hell ya I am going to look!  I never walk away from a free show, especially one like that.  Don’t forget I am still making comments; I want to see just how far they will go on this fine afternoon of showing off.

 What if they get the brilliant idea that they need to break these boards to fit into the truck better just to show how strong they really are?

 Well more comments come out of my mouth and I continue to stand there enjoying the show the boy toys are putting on.  Come on ladies don’t tell me that you are not picturing all of this and drooling on your keyboards.  I was there and I still drool a little bit lol. 

 What if, in the spirit of things they dare you to try and break one of these half rotten boards?

 As soon as one of the young’un looks at me and says, “You think you’re so tough you get over here and try it!”  I am on my way to them.  There is no way in hell I am going to let them talk to me like that and not do anything about it.  I, again I am trying to keep up for some reason, step up and they pick out a pretty board for me to take a whack at.

 What if they were breaking the boards by kicking them but I want to out do the biggest guy and choose to hit it instead?

 I will tell you what happens, after the second punch to the board (it did not break with the first punch) your hand feels like it went through a meat grinder, tears well up in your eyes, you notice instant bruising but you maintain your cool in front of the boy toys.  Slowly as your hand is swelling inside your pocket you pretend your cell phone is ringing and walk away to take the important work call.

 What if you end up at the doctor the next morning because your hand won’t move and your knuckles look like they belong to a boxer?

 I humbly walk into the doctor with my hand wrapped in ice and my head hanging low just to be sent to the hospital for x-rays.  I return to the doctor to be informed that I flattened two knuckles and broke the bone going down the back of my hand from my ring finger.  I am splinted and referred to another doctor.

 What if you have to go home and face your family and boyfriend?  Do you lie or tell the truth?

 I am here to tell you that I should have thought about that before taking a pain pill and lying down on the couch for a while.  My boyfriend came in and asked me about it.  Of course I was loopy and told the truth.  He told me to make sure and not tell anyone I hit it twice it just sounds bad.  That is after he spent forever laughing at me.  He cannot understand why this 5 ft 4 woman of 135 lbs would ever try to keep up with guys that do that work for a living. 

 

So there you have it that is how I managed to break my hand a few weeks ago.  I went to the specialist last week and he found calcification in the last two knuckles from healing and one more spot in the back of my hand that is calcifying from the healing process that makes a total of what looked like 4 cracks.  He also informed me that I have a lot of soft tissue damage, changed me into another splint that immobilized my thumb and said come back in a month. 

 I am tough so comment away lol!!  I will say this much, next time I will make sure to get one of the rotten boards like the guys did.

 

A Million Emotions For Sale

OK here’s the deal I have spent a majority of my life trying to go against the grain. I never wanted to fit into the normal category and enjoyed being different. It did not always win me very many friends but the few friends I have love me for me and not for being like someone else.

Growing up I did not fit into just one click at school instead I floated from group to group just depending on who struck my fancy that day. I made sure that I did not dress like the popular cheerleader girls, aka the carbon copy Barbie dolls. Instead I just wore what I wanted and what was comfortable, I just did not care as long as it was cute.

Now dating is a different story. I have not really dated since I left my ex back in 2004. It just did not interest me. I mean why would I want to take the risk of getting tangled up with another ass just to have my heart broken over and over again. So obviously my marriage left me with issues.

I am not the typical woman. I don’t like chick flicks, instead I prefer lots and lots of blood and action. Chick flicks depress me because they are all basically the same and therefore boring. I would rather camp in the dirt and fish than sit around with girlfriends gossiping about the new clerk at the video store and his amazing butt while doing each others hair. That is just not my cup of tea. I also hate Valentine’s Day; it is just a waste of time and money. I swear it was created by the greeting card industry to make a mint off of all the suckers out there.

I prefer little thoughtful gifts that let me know he is really listening to me in lieu of big expensive crap. Don’t get me wrong I would love to get flowers at work but I am just a simple girl with simple tastes. I don’t own even one piece of lingerie because it is a waste of money and my house is not really overly girly. I am not saying I am butch or a tomboy of any sorts I just feel like I do not really fit into any one certain type of mold.

However there are certain aspects of me that are not that different from other people. Even though I hate to cry, I don’t like the feeling of weakness it gives me, I really am capable of it. I love to laugh and be close to certain people. I don’t like feeling that I am being pulled in a thousand different directions at the same time, so when I do feel that way I actually have a stressed out moment.

This brings me to what I am ultimately feeling today. I have this overwhelming feeling of failure. I am stretched so thin I am not sure I can handle much more. But being a woman I am sure I will fit something else into my life. It just seems that my spirits are low and that affects everything and everyone around me.

I am trying to make everyone around me happy and live up to his or her expectations but seem to be falling short at the moment, plus forgetting about myself. Then when I do think about me for just a moment I get to into my own head and I end up feeling worse than before.

I try to please my parents and even though they tell me they are very proud of me I always feel like some of my decisions they do not agree with and it ends up disappointing them. When I call just because I am not super bubbly on the phone, never really been bubbly to begin with, then there is a problem and I am depressed.

I have moments when I am not as patient as I can be with Tooters and that lets her down. I sit around with mommy guilt, hating myself because I chewed her out for misbehaving and made her cry. Don’t get me wrong I know she is trying to get out of trouble and she knows this trick works most of the time then I end up caving in. I also know that there are times she is going to be mad at me but I would rather avoid that all together. I also have the guilt over spending time with friends, studying, in school or working overtime in the summer because this takes time away from her.

I am trying to please everyone at the office and make sure his or her needs are met. I always end up with more tasks on my plate than I can get done in a day and end up making someone mad because their request has to wait.

 Just this morning one of the guys came in and chewed me out for getting his supplies delivered a day late, which was beyond my control it was a holiday yesterday with no deliveries. For some reason it was my fault and he let me know it without giving me a chance to explain it to him then stormed out of the office. I don’t know what came over me but I actually did start to cry just a little bit. One of the girls came in and asked me what was happening. She said you are Sunny you don’t cry and let the guys get to you. Holy crap now I am not allowed to have an emotional marble rolling around in my head at work either.

School is taking up a lot of time. Don’t get me wrong I love school but this week is just really packed with assignments and a big exam on Monday. I have to start re-applying for student loans really soon and register for next semester in a couple of weeks. Right now I do not even want to know what classes are up next.

I guess I am basically just stressed, stretched thin, emotional and a little whiny today. I don’t think that it helped much this morning when my best friend expressed concern over the new boyfriend, he did it in a way that was not exactly gentle and made me feel bad. To top it off this is the season when my divorce was final and it tends to get to me a little bit still.

 I think I have gotten everything out of my system and I actually do feel a little bit better for now. I just have to wait for the time when the house is quiet and Tooters is asleep to see if I end up in my head again and the stupid feelings start over again. I am sure that I will be all better tomorrow but I was getting to a point I could not breath and had to tell someone. Writing is always easier for me to express things rather than talking to someone, watching them roll their eyes at me then tell me that I have nothing to be upset over because look at all I have. Next person that tells me that today might want to duck I just might throw something at them.

So see I am different like I set out to be, but ended up being pretty normal at the same time. With that I am off to my next task for the day and I promise that my next post will be more uplifting. Maybe the funky mood is just going around right now because I am not the only blogger out there feeling this. Let just all go have a drink and forget the world for a while instead, my place at 8??

An Indulgent Then & A Rewarding Now

When I was a little girl I had huge ideas of how my life was going to be when I grew up. I listened intently to all the fairytales convinced that that was how real life was. Convinced that there was a prince out there just waiting for me. Waiting to come riding up on his white horse, sword waving, with a smile that I would fall in love with instantly and be there to rescue me. What he is suppose to save me from I don’t know but that is how it was suppose to happen.

Then harsh reality of adulthood sets in and those ideals faded away with my youth. Then came a bad marriage, not enough money, starting over with a child, single mom hood and the every day anxiety of raising a daughter. With that praying I am showing Tooters the right path in life so she will grow up strong and avoid the same mistakes I made. I know that she needs to make her own bad choices at times and make her own mistakes to learn from but as a mother I want to shelter her from all that.

So here I sit thinking about then and now, what a difference a few years make. Wondering how I could have done things different then kicking myself in the butt because I realize my choices made me who I am today. My choices also brought me to a place in my life that I have a career of sorts with the state, I am attending college, living paycheck to paycheck and living with my greatest accomplishment in the world. As we all grow up think about current and past choices we see what we should have done different at the time. Below is irrefutable proof of a maturing mind:

Then: Once I used to be able to party all night just to race home, shower, eat a piece of toast and go to work perky.

Now: Just the thought of a drink sends me running for the aspirin and turns my stomach. The idea of spending an evening at a bar then taking care of Tooters the next day makes a few more white hairs pop out. I would rather watch a movie at home and go to bed early.

Then: Friday night was a race to find as many people to go out with as possible. Scouting out where the hot spots were for the night and wondering how many drinks I could get the cute guy across the bar to buy me.

Now: Friday night is spent watching kid movies, doing laundry, studying or just turning in for the night before midnight. Or sitting in front of the TV with a scary movie after Tooters is finally asleep thinking OMG I am going to pay for this at 7 am when she gets up because it is after midnight.

Then: Jumping in the shower before work with the music blasting at an earsplitting level and enjoying the hot water. Being able to shave my legs and pits in peace without explaining what I am doing or why and not caring if I end up walking around the house nekkid because I forgot my clothes and a clean towel.

Now: Getting in the shower before school/work with Tooters and racing through it so that we are both done before the song ends that is on the radio. Racing out of the shower to get dressed and yelling we are in fast mode because mommy could not pry her eyes open before hitting snooze for the third time.

Then: I used to stand in front of my closet full of cute clothes that were a size 0-5 wondering which one would make my butt look the cutest for the day. Looking in my drawer and have underwear with out holes and a bra that did not have safety pins holding it together.

Now: Looking in my closet wondering which outfit is going to hide the baby pooch that will never go away and the butt that is slowly migrating south. Finding the right bra that will keep my boobs from looking like socks with sand in them. Keeping duck tape in the bedroom to tape the under wire back in place for the day.

Then: Leaving the house smelling like a girl. Every hair in perfect order as well as the make up.

Now: Lucky to escape the house with out smelling to out of place from being puked on all night. Then getting to work and remembering that I only had to time to do one eye and afraid to look in the mirror and see my hair.

Then: Working overtime at my job thinking about the new pair of boots I get to buy for going out. Knowing that all the bills were paid ahead of time and if I wanted to eat out every meal I could because it was just me.

Now: Wondering which bill I can put off for another 2 weeks because Tooters has to have medicine for her ear. Now instead of shopping the specialty shops for myself I run to the thrift store hoping they have something in my size because all my clothes are either stained or do not fit anymore just so that Tooters can have the newest movie that came out. Also praying that the can of vegetables I just threw in the stew will taste ok because that is all I have left in the cupboard.

Looking at my list I realize that my youth was spent being indulgent and selfish. Tooters is such a blessing because she made me grow up and realize there are more important things out there than myself. I enjoy every sacrifice and indulging in her wants now instead of my own. I am sad that it took such a rocky path to get here and I apologize in secret for Tooters not having a normal family like I got to have. But then again I remind myself that we went from a deplorable situation to one that is loving, safe and all mine. I get to reap the rewards everyday and the little arms wrapped around my neck at night and little lips kissing my cheek makes everything ok no matter what kind of day I have had.

Thank you Tooters for being in my life. Thank you mom and dad for your unconditional love and support. Thank you friends for letting me vent and cry when I cannot stand it anymore. Thank you to all the special people in my life for lifting my spirits when I am down.

A Dork Of A Different Color

Well this is my first post in a while so I think I will start it off on a lighter note.  I want everyone to start off with a smile today.  There is a lot of things going on in my life right now that I need to get out and will write about later, but they are sad and happy both at the same time.  Since I am in a little bit of a down mood today I will continue with the happiness that is the latest adventure of Tooters. 

 We have had a rush of new families move into the neighborhood lately and with them came the little bratty boys up the road.  They have been teaching the little girls all kinds of inappropriate vocabulary, which I am just thrilled about……NOT!!!!!  I seem to be doing a lot of explaining about things that no 7 year old should be asking about.  Plus with them being a little bit older they are trying to play the whole girlfriend/boyfriend drama crap with the girl next door that is a little older than Tooters.  Now my daughter wants nothing to do with that game.  She says that boys are ok as friends but as boyfriends they are just trouble.  I am so proud!! 

 So here is what happened.  Last Friday my new boyfriend and I (yippy I have a great guy finally) were sitting on the couch watching TV waiting on Tooters to get home from the school just enjoying the quiet.  She came barreling through the door all excited to tell me what happened on the bus.  I got her to sit down and breathe a little bit then let her go on with her story.

 Apparently one of the little bratty boys that rides the bus with her decided to push her out of the way and steal her seat.  Well this did not go over well with my daughter.  She told me that I should be proud of her because she did not hit him for it.  So far this is going good, especially with her track record of getting into one or two fights with the boys every year.  Honestly I was not ready for it this soon into the school year.  But she did inform me that she stood up for herself and this is what she told the brat.

 “Look here you little whore you better get out of my seat right now!”

 As soon as the words left her mouth my jaw dropped and my elbow went into my boyfriends ribs because he was laughing behind his hand.  Holy crap I was speechless for a minute and Tooters sat there waiting for my reply all proud of herself.  You could actually see her chest all puffed out.  I collected myself and asked her where she heard that from.  She said that the brat that is her friends “boyfriend” calls her that all the time.  I asked her if she knows what it means and she said of course she does it means a big dork. 

I carefully explained to her what it really meant and why we do not call people whores.  This was so hard to do since she is sitting there all innocent, I am dying to laugh and my boyfriend is giggling.  It took a little bit but we got it all discussed and I told her since she did not really know what it meant at the time she was not in trouble, but I better never catch her calling people that again.  I sent her off to change out of her school clothes and the second she left the room this is what my BF had to say,

“OMG she is so your daughter!”

 Now what was that suppose to mean?  I am sweet, innocent, sugar and spice, well at least that is what I keep telling people.  For some reason they always laugh at me when I say it.  Anyways I keep picturing my dainty daughter on the bus with the word whore coming out of her mouth at the little boy and it does make me smile.  Then it hits me, if she is like this now what is she going to be like as a teenager.  Holy hell am I in for some rocky interesting years ahead of me!! 

I am seriously considering selling her early if this is a slight glimpse of what is coming my way.  Any takers?  She can be returned at the age of 18, I promise I will let her back in the house at the time.  Anyone out there that has advise for me to help keep me out of the loony bin it would be greatly appreciated lol. 

The Amazing Stranger & His Amazing Advice

Dear Asshat At The Store,

           Sir I would like to extend a warm fuzzy thank you for your wonderful advice at the store the other day.  The fact that you were so concerned about my daughter and me is very heartwarming.  You do not see that enough now days. 

          I know that the line we were in was very long and the store was hot so I understand the frustration you were expressing to your friend. Heck if one of my friends were there I would have made a couple of statements as well.  However just a slight suggestion, nothing compared to what you told me, next time you decide to let loose with a five minute rant about how slow the arthritic cashier is by loudly saying “f*ck” over and over again please try to be a little quieter.  My daughter is very smart and knows that that is not a good word but she does not need to hear it right in front of her for that long.  Neither did the toddlers behind me in line or the kids in the next lane.  I know they heard it too since you were talking loud enough for half the store to hear your frustration.

           Just remember you are visiting my town not the other way around.  I understand that our quaint little town depends on tourist like you for income but there is such a thing as respect.  Maybe that is why you offered me the highly valued advice that you did. 

          When I politely asked you to tone it down or lower your voice just a little bit, I was not trying to be critical.  If I came across rude when I finally asked you to “Shut the hell up!” I sincerely apologize.  Then when you turned around to me and opened your mouth I was in complete awe of what wisdom you bestowed upon me.  I will be sure to pass it on to all of mommy friends.

          “Bitch shut the f*ck up!  Your daughter is going to hear that word the rest of her life you better start anesthetizing her to it now.  So f*ck, f*ck, f*ckity, f*ck, f*ck!”

          Those words right there are just pure music to my ears.  The fact that you admitted you have no kids, when asked, and you are still able to help me out in this way is just phenomenal.  Honestly I have only been a single parent for over seven years now and never once did that line of thought come into my mind.  If you ever have kids in the future they will be so lucky to have you as a dad. 

          “Well sir, with your obvious extensive vocabulary you can take that word and go to hell!  I am not talking to you that way so return the respect…..f*cktard!”   Just slipped out of my mouth so I apologize for that too, since you were just trying to help me out with your advice. 

          Please enjoy the rest of your stay in our beautiful town and don’t forget to keep spreading your advice to other people you come across.  I really hope they receive it as well as I did or better. 

 

Sincerely,

 

The Eternally Grateful Mom At The Store.

 

P.S. My dad is a nurse in the emergency room, so when you do arrive there eventually call me and I will be right down to be by your side.  It is the least I can do for you……fucktard!!!