An Indulgent Then & A Rewarding Now

When I was a little girl I had huge ideas of how my life was going to be when I grew up. I listened intently to all the fairytales convinced that that was how real life was. Convinced that there was a prince out there just waiting for me. Waiting to come riding up on his white horse, sword waving, with a smile that I would fall in love with instantly and be there to rescue me. What he is suppose to save me from I don’t know but that is how it was suppose to happen.

Then harsh reality of adulthood sets in and those ideals faded away with my youth. Then came a bad marriage, not enough money, starting over with a child, single mom hood and the every day anxiety of raising a daughter. With that praying I am showing Tooters the right path in life so she will grow up strong and avoid the same mistakes I made. I know that she needs to make her own bad choices at times and make her own mistakes to learn from but as a mother I want to shelter her from all that.

So here I sit thinking about then and now, what a difference a few years make. Wondering how I could have done things different then kicking myself in the butt because I realize my choices made me who I am today. My choices also brought me to a place in my life that I have a career of sorts with the state, I am attending college, living paycheck to paycheck and living with my greatest accomplishment in the world. As we all grow up think about current and past choices we see what we should have done different at the time. Below is irrefutable proof of a maturing mind:

Then: Once I used to be able to party all night just to race home, shower, eat a piece of toast and go to work perky.

Now: Just the thought of a drink sends me running for the aspirin and turns my stomach. The idea of spending an evening at a bar then taking care of Tooters the next day makes a few more white hairs pop out. I would rather watch a movie at home and go to bed early.

Then: Friday night was a race to find as many people to go out with as possible. Scouting out where the hot spots were for the night and wondering how many drinks I could get the cute guy across the bar to buy me.

Now: Friday night is spent watching kid movies, doing laundry, studying or just turning in for the night before midnight. Or sitting in front of the TV with a scary movie after Tooters is finally asleep thinking OMG I am going to pay for this at 7 am when she gets up because it is after midnight.

Then: Jumping in the shower before work with the music blasting at an earsplitting level and enjoying the hot water. Being able to shave my legs and pits in peace without explaining what I am doing or why and not caring if I end up walking around the house nekkid because I forgot my clothes and a clean towel.

Now: Getting in the shower before school/work with Tooters and racing through it so that we are both done before the song ends that is on the radio. Racing out of the shower to get dressed and yelling we are in fast mode because mommy could not pry her eyes open before hitting snooze for the third time.

Then: I used to stand in front of my closet full of cute clothes that were a size 0-5 wondering which one would make my butt look the cutest for the day. Looking in my drawer and have underwear with out holes and a bra that did not have safety pins holding it together.

Now: Looking in my closet wondering which outfit is going to hide the baby pooch that will never go away and the butt that is slowly migrating south. Finding the right bra that will keep my boobs from looking like socks with sand in them. Keeping duck tape in the bedroom to tape the under wire back in place for the day.

Then: Leaving the house smelling like a girl. Every hair in perfect order as well as the make up.

Now: Lucky to escape the house with out smelling to out of place from being puked on all night. Then getting to work and remembering that I only had to time to do one eye and afraid to look in the mirror and see my hair.

Then: Working overtime at my job thinking about the new pair of boots I get to buy for going out. Knowing that all the bills were paid ahead of time and if I wanted to eat out every meal I could because it was just me.

Now: Wondering which bill I can put off for another 2 weeks because Tooters has to have medicine for her ear. Now instead of shopping the specialty shops for myself I run to the thrift store hoping they have something in my size because all my clothes are either stained or do not fit anymore just so that Tooters can have the newest movie that came out. Also praying that the can of vegetables I just threw in the stew will taste ok because that is all I have left in the cupboard.

Looking at my list I realize that my youth was spent being indulgent and selfish. Tooters is such a blessing because she made me grow up and realize there are more important things out there than myself. I enjoy every sacrifice and indulging in her wants now instead of my own. I am sad that it took such a rocky path to get here and I apologize in secret for Tooters not having a normal family like I got to have. But then again I remind myself that we went from a deplorable situation to one that is loving, safe and all mine. I get to reap the rewards everyday and the little arms wrapped around my neck at night and little lips kissing my cheek makes everything ok no matter what kind of day I have had.

Thank you Tooters for being in my life. Thank you mom and dad for your unconditional love and support. Thank you friends for letting me vent and cry when I cannot stand it anymore. Thank you to all the special people in my life for lifting my spirits when I am down.

A Dork Of A Different Color

Well this is my first post in a while so I think I will start it off on a lighter note.  I want everyone to start off with a smile today.  There is a lot of things going on in my life right now that I need to get out and will write about later, but they are sad and happy both at the same time.  Since I am in a little bit of a down mood today I will continue with the happiness that is the latest adventure of Tooters. 

 We have had a rush of new families move into the neighborhood lately and with them came the little bratty boys up the road.  They have been teaching the little girls all kinds of inappropriate vocabulary, which I am just thrilled about……NOT!!!!!  I seem to be doing a lot of explaining about things that no 7 year old should be asking about.  Plus with them being a little bit older they are trying to play the whole girlfriend/boyfriend drama crap with the girl next door that is a little older than Tooters.  Now my daughter wants nothing to do with that game.  She says that boys are ok as friends but as boyfriends they are just trouble.  I am so proud!! 

 So here is what happened.  Last Friday my new boyfriend and I (yippy I have a great guy finally) were sitting on the couch watching TV waiting on Tooters to get home from the school just enjoying the quiet.  She came barreling through the door all excited to tell me what happened on the bus.  I got her to sit down and breathe a little bit then let her go on with her story.

 Apparently one of the little bratty boys that rides the bus with her decided to push her out of the way and steal her seat.  Well this did not go over well with my daughter.  She told me that I should be proud of her because she did not hit him for it.  So far this is going good, especially with her track record of getting into one or two fights with the boys every year.  Honestly I was not ready for it this soon into the school year.  But she did inform me that she stood up for herself and this is what she told the brat.

 “Look here you little whore you better get out of my seat right now!”

 As soon as the words left her mouth my jaw dropped and my elbow went into my boyfriends ribs because he was laughing behind his hand.  Holy crap I was speechless for a minute and Tooters sat there waiting for my reply all proud of herself.  You could actually see her chest all puffed out.  I collected myself and asked her where she heard that from.  She said that the brat that is her friends “boyfriend” calls her that all the time.  I asked her if she knows what it means and she said of course she does it means a big dork. 

I carefully explained to her what it really meant and why we do not call people whores.  This was so hard to do since she is sitting there all innocent, I am dying to laugh and my boyfriend is giggling.  It took a little bit but we got it all discussed and I told her since she did not really know what it meant at the time she was not in trouble, but I better never catch her calling people that again.  I sent her off to change out of her school clothes and the second she left the room this is what my BF had to say,

“OMG she is so your daughter!”

 Now what was that suppose to mean?  I am sweet, innocent, sugar and spice, well at least that is what I keep telling people.  For some reason they always laugh at me when I say it.  Anyways I keep picturing my dainty daughter on the bus with the word whore coming out of her mouth at the little boy and it does make me smile.  Then it hits me, if she is like this now what is she going to be like as a teenager.  Holy hell am I in for some rocky interesting years ahead of me!! 

I am seriously considering selling her early if this is a slight glimpse of what is coming my way.  Any takers?  She can be returned at the age of 18, I promise I will let her back in the house at the time.  Anyone out there that has advise for me to help keep me out of the loony bin it would be greatly appreciated lol. 

The Amazing Stranger & His Amazing Advice

Dear Asshat At The Store,

           Sir I would like to extend a warm fuzzy thank you for your wonderful advice at the store the other day.  The fact that you were so concerned about my daughter and me is very heartwarming.  You do not see that enough now days. 

          I know that the line we were in was very long and the store was hot so I understand the frustration you were expressing to your friend. Heck if one of my friends were there I would have made a couple of statements as well.  However just a slight suggestion, nothing compared to what you told me, next time you decide to let loose with a five minute rant about how slow the arthritic cashier is by loudly saying “f*ck” over and over again please try to be a little quieter.  My daughter is very smart and knows that that is not a good word but she does not need to hear it right in front of her for that long.  Neither did the toddlers behind me in line or the kids in the next lane.  I know they heard it too since you were talking loud enough for half the store to hear your frustration.

           Just remember you are visiting my town not the other way around.  I understand that our quaint little town depends on tourist like you for income but there is such a thing as respect.  Maybe that is why you offered me the highly valued advice that you did. 

          When I politely asked you to tone it down or lower your voice just a little bit, I was not trying to be critical.  If I came across rude when I finally asked you to “Shut the hell up!” I sincerely apologize.  Then when you turned around to me and opened your mouth I was in complete awe of what wisdom you bestowed upon me.  I will be sure to pass it on to all of mommy friends.

          “Bitch shut the f*ck up!  Your daughter is going to hear that word the rest of her life you better start anesthetizing her to it now.  So f*ck, f*ck, f*ckity, f*ck, f*ck!”

          Those words right there are just pure music to my ears.  The fact that you admitted you have no kids, when asked, and you are still able to help me out in this way is just phenomenal.  Honestly I have only been a single parent for over seven years now and never once did that line of thought come into my mind.  If you ever have kids in the future they will be so lucky to have you as a dad. 

          “Well sir, with your obvious extensive vocabulary you can take that word and go to hell!  I am not talking to you that way so return the respect…..f*cktard!”   Just slipped out of my mouth so I apologize for that too, since you were just trying to help me out with your advice. 

          Please enjoy the rest of your stay in our beautiful town and don’t forget to keep spreading your advice to other people you come across.  I really hope they receive it as well as I did or better. 

 

Sincerely,

 

The Eternally Grateful Mom At The Store.

 

P.S. My dad is a nurse in the emergency room, so when you do arrive there eventually call me and I will be right down to be by your side.  It is the least I can do for you……fucktard!!!

Progression Of The Defective Mind

DISCLAIMER:  DUE TO SOME COMMENTS MADE EARLIER I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I AM NOT SAYING KIDS DO NOT HAVE BRAINS JUST THAT THEY DO NOT ALWAYS USE THEM.  THIS IS REALLY JUST MEANT TO BE A HUMOROUS VIEW FROM A SINGLE MOM.  SO PLEASE BE KIND WITH THE COMMENTS, SOME OF THEM MADE EARLIER HAD TO BE UNAPPROVED.

Why is it that you can tell a child something everyday for years and they do not retain it, but they can tell you what happened on Hannah Montana from a month ago in perfect detail?  I have decided that Tooters has a defective brain and I keep threatening to take her to the Neurologist to have it checked out.  This just supports my theory that kids have some kind of brain malfunction that only corrects itself when they become adults, only for the girls to be cursed with Mommy Brain disorder.  Here is my theory.

 

Birth:  From birth until precious starts to walk and talk they stare at you like they are paying attention to everything that you are saying.  When in reality they are studying your every move and taking notes on your weaknesses.  They are making mental notes of what pushes your buttons and what makes you smile. 

 

1-3 years old:  This is when they really are developing mentally.  Learning to walk just to run from you with a naked butt and leaking on the carpets.  Learning to talk so that they can have a screaming melt down in the middle of the grocery store in front of everyone you know in town.  Perfecting the word “no” for later use.  Teaching themselves the art of silently getting into everything in the house that will make a mess.  Finding every tiny piece of anything and putting it in the carpet for you to step on in the middle of the night so you wake up precious with a foul string of words. 

 

4-5 year old:  All of a sudden the monster toddler becomes sweeter, more obedient, and loving.  This is all apart of the master plan to get you to lower your guard.  You relax thinking that you have a break for the next couple of years before back talking and fights over the chores begin.  But they are just making more observations and mental notes on how to give you gray hairs. 

 

6-8 years old:  Thanks to the brat at school that is to mature for her own good, and seems to know more than any kid that age should, begins to educate your precious child on the art of sassing.  Your child that used to somewhat obey you begins to apply logic and questioning.  This is where the defective brain begins to show through more.  All of a sudden things that you have been telling precious for years goes right out the window.  You lose count of how many times a day you tell them to turn off the lights and pick up their toys.  The bedroom floor?  Forget about it, that will not be seen for the next several years.  

 

9-12 years old:  The defective brain is now in full swing.  Precious no longer remembers anything, except of course every word to their favorite song and who farted in the lunch line.   You repeat yourself so many times a day that you begin to think it would be easier just to record yourself once and put it on a loop on the stereo.  Precious has forgotten that the bedroom should be clean, wet towels hung up and the light switches still are only touched when they are reminded.  Every room they leave looks like a tornado hit it, but they do not understand why your are standing there shaking your head in frustration trying not to explode.  I mean the room was clean an hour ago how can one precious child cause that much destruction?

 

13-19 years old:  There is no longer a brain left to be defective.  Everything you taught precious all these years are null and void because they know better.  You have become an antiquated parrot repeating the same things but not really being heard.  For some reason you have no right to tell precious how to do things because overnight they became smarter than you.  All you can do at this point is beg the doctor for an unlimited supply of Xanax and pray that the teen years are over before you land in the loony bin repeating the same phrase over and over again while you drool on your straight jacket.

 

20- adulthood:  Ahhh relief!  Precious is on their own and you have a quiet house again.  Then one day out of the clear blue sky precious calls you with screaming kids in the background begging you to forgive them.  They realize that you are not old or stupid and you just might have known what you were talking about all those years.  Precious just keeps apologizing and then says something you have been waiting to hear from them for about 20 years or so……….. They ask for your advice willingly. 

 

If my theory is correct I have at least 13 years of pleading, begging, reminding, and repeating to Tooters ahead of me.  Please God give me strength and Clairol please do not go out of business because my gray hairs love you.  Maybe I will stick with my idea and put Tooters up for auction on Ebay at 12 years old.

Please Silence The Back-Seat Instructor

I honestly do not know what has gotten into me lately but I have decided that I am not busy enough in my life at the Nuthouse, here is why.  As of yesterday I am now a half time college student starting classes this summer.  Why I picked that time I really don’t know since that is the start of fire season.  Fire season for me is pure hell.  I work my regular job plus back up dispatch for the fire center, which means a lot of night shifts.  But I cannot pass up all of the easy overtime no matter how zombie like I am during the day.  Well at least I can study all I want at night when it is quiet. 

 

Since I am finally no longer sick, I have had a bad cold for 2 months now, I have decided to throw myself back into exercising.  However since I work ten-hour days I struggled with how I was going to squeeze in a work out on the days I am working.  Then it hit me, since I am an insomniac I should get up before the butt crack of dawn and put in one of my work out DVD’s.  This was just a brilliant plan until Monday morning came along and the alarm clock went off at 4:30.  What in the hell what I thinking?  Naturally I hit the snooze button a couple of times, but I had forgotten I set a back up alarm the night before.  So at 4:50 Tooters’ alarm clock in her room started going off.  Bless that child she has learned wonderful things from me and hit the snooze button on her clock too lol. 

 

I actually did get up 5 minutes later and stumbled into the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot so it would be ready by the time I was done.  I got dressed and Tooters followed me out to the living room to see what I was up to.  This always stresses me out a little bit because she is a back-seat instructor and the dog wants to play.  I told Tooters she could be in the room with me but she either had to exercise with me or stay quiet.  I plugged in Jillian Michael’s kickboxing and went about my business.  I hate her at the time but I do believe I have a little girl crush on her especially after The Biggest Loser. 

 

Pretty soon I glanced behind me to check on my kiddo and there she is relaxing on the couch with the blanket up to her chin and her hand over her mouth.  That snot is doing everything that she can not to laugh at me out loud.  I swear to you that she was the prettiest shade of purple and I just knew that she was going to explode before to long.  This was really not the best time for me to see this since I was hot and panting like the dog.  Then here came the comments:

 

“Mom you are not keeping up with Jillian.”

 

“Mom you are not kicking high enough.” 

 

“Mom you are supposed to move your hands like Jillian.”

 

“Why are you stopping the DVD is not over yet?”

 

“They are not stopping for water, and why are you bent over like that?”

 

“What is that look for I am just trying to help?”

 

Finally I told her to come and show me how it is done since she is proving to be the expert.  OMG I thought I was going to die laughing at how hard she was trying but just not quite getting it right.  She gets an “A” for effort in my book though.  After it was finished and we were getting ready to leave the house she informed me that we need to practice, of course I agreed and herded her out the door.

 

We got to my office around 6am and the poor thing was plain worn out when we got there.  She pushed two chairs together, balled up her jacket for a pillow, curled up under the blanket I keep at my desk and went back to sleep until it was time for school.  It was adorable and horrible at the same time.  I would have given my left toe to be back asleep like that.

 

This morning as sore as I was I decided that I would get up at the same time and work out to Billy Blanks ab boot camp.  You know I hate all of these fitness people at the time because I am hurting and realizing that I just cannot keep up so I blast my music while they are on mute.  In my mind it eases the pain.  Well I hit snooze as usual but this time Tooters pushed her cold little toes into my leg (she sneaks into my bed regularly) and told me to get up it is time to exercise.  I could not let my daughter who looks up to me think I am some kind of wimp, so I forced me and my jello legs out of bed and got dressed.

 

Thank goodness Tooters decided to do the whole routine with me instead of staying on the couch.  She said that this is because she can do the floor exercises easier.  We got about ten minutes into it and I was starting to get hot so I pealed off my shirt and was down to my sports bra (no safety pins today) and sweat pants.  Man am I a site to behold in this get up.  I am glad that most of the world is still asleep at this time and not driving pass my partially open windows seeing my tummy bouncing around.  Tooters suddenly looked at me and said that she just cannot exercise this way and disappeared down the hall.  This was ok because this meant that the Wonder Pup would follow her and there would be no laughing when I start huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf in Tigger sweat pants. 

 

After a couple of minutes I could hear her running up the hallway and hollering that she was coming.  She rounded the corner and I thought I was going to die.  Tooters had changed out of her nightclothes and put on bright pink sweat pants with her bikini top that looks like my sports bra.  She even put on her tennis shoes and announced that now she could properly finish her work out.  She really uses the word properly a lot.  Holy crap on a cracker (still my favorite saying) she kicked my ass on the floor exercises!!!  This is very sad that I was out done by a 6 year old.  There will be a funeral for my ego in the near future.

 

This put me to so much shame that I think tonight I will “forget” to set her alarm clock and just sneak out of bed to do my stuff alone.  My luck she will jump up and join me anyways.  So please say a prayer for me that I will be able to still move in the morning and that I do not strangle the backseat instructor on the couch.