To Be, Or Not To Be A Hottie??

Recently Tooters came home from school and informed me that there were two new boys at her school.  One is in 1^st and the other is in kindergarten.  Well these two boys are very taken with Tooters, especially the younger one.  They have become thick as thieves at school.  Tooters even told me that one of her friends is the girlfriend to the older one and some jealous mean girl tried to break them up.  Oh the drama is starting already. 

 

Anyways the other day Tooters’ and I rode our bikes to her school. This has become our daily thing when it is not SNOWING.  Do you hear me Mother Nature quit PMS’ing and give me back my spring weather. She parked her bike I talked to my friend Dolly for a while then got on my bike to ride back to work.  Everything seemed just fine with the world. 

 

The end of the school day rolled around and back down to the school I rode to get Tooters’ and her bike, then back to work we would go so I could finish up some paperwork.  I wanted to hurry and get it done so we could get the 3.8-mile ride home finished before dark.  I told you that Tooters’ is trying to kill me riding that much in a day!!!!

 

We get back to my office and she pulls out her homework but looks like she has a load on her mind.  I just let her think about it for a while, I want her to come to me to talk about stuff when she is good and ready no pressure.  Sure enough pretty soon she tells me that we need to have a talk. 

 

T – “Mom you know my new friend in my class?” (This is the younger of the 2 boys)

 

M – “Yes, I thought you were such good friends and played together everyday?”

 

T- “We do, but something happened today and it hurt my feelings really bad.”

 

 M- “Are you going to tell me what it is?  I cannot help you figure out a solution if you do not tell me what happened.”

 

T- “He kept calling me a name all day.  He even chased me on the playground singing it and would not stop when I asked him to.  Mom it hurt my feelings!”

 

At this point her whole face just crumpled and she started to cry.  I am not talking just a few tears I am talking about the huge, super hurt, heartbreaking, flowing, alligator tears.  I scooped her up into my lap, rubbing her back while I tried to calm her down. 

 

M- “Honey just take a deep breath and tell me what he said.  I am sure we can figure this out together.”

 

T- “M-m-m-mom he kept saying (hiccup) all day (hiccup/burp) Tooters is a hottie!  Tooters is a hottie! (hiccup/cough).  It-it-it made me feel b-b-bad! (hiccup/hiccup) WWWAAAHHHH!!!!”

 

I just looked at her and thought to myself do not laugh at this little girl it will crush her even more.  Holy little girl drama batman, what do I do?  How I did not burst out laughing I am not sure, things got a little hazy at this point lol.  Calmly I explained to her what a hottie was, and that he was not saying it to be mean.  Suddenly the clouds parted, angels sang and she was bright and shiny again.  Tooters hopped off my lap and went back to her homework like nothing happened. 

 

Well I could not resist, that night I called the boys mother and told her what happened.  She is from the south and pretty proper but that is part of why I like her, she was horrified.  She said boys aren’t suppose to call girls that and she would talk to her son.  The boy’s mother told him not to use that word while I was on the phone and this was his response:

 

“Mom calling her pretty is boring and beautiful is to old fashion.  I am being hip!”

 

She was speechless and I just told her I would talk to her in the morning.  If I did not hang up the phone when I did I was going to lose it.  I thank God everyday for my Tooters, but on days like this with this much entertainment I thank him a million times over!!!! 

 

Lost Marbles, Found Marbles

Today for some reason is just a frustrating day and I think I will tell a little story to lighten things around here.  This story is based on actual events, however no finger pointing will be done and the identity of the main kid will remain secret.  It will not be revealed because I am afraid of retaliation and great bodily harm lol.

 

Once upon a time there lived a brother and sister.  They were close in age and loved each other dearly even though the mother could not tell by all the fighting done during the day.  At the end of the day brother and sister were put into the bathtub together (they were still young enough to do this) to peal off several layers of dirt, grim and who knows what else.  There was extra scrubbing involved this night because of a muddy project in the backyard and the mother wanted to make sure she had brought the right kids into the house. 

 

Brother and sister had heard the term digging to China and wanted to test the theory.  They found the perfect spot in the middle of the yard, in the garden and with the help of the neighbor kids started digging.  Since it was fall and most of the garden was picked the mother watched this going on thinking,

 

 “Oh God please let them dig till they are exhausted and go to bed early tonight!”

 

Well after a couple hours and a few feet later they found out that the further down they went the more mud they found.  The mother sprang off of the porch to start pulling kids out of the hole that was several feet down before they got stuck for good.  See she did not think they would get as far as they did, but she was sadly mistaken.  The kids had dug far enough down that they were getting into a water table that part of the town sits on.  After some crying and fussing all the dirt was returned to the hole, China would have to wait for another day I guess.  Neighbor kids were sent home to their parents, brother and sister were sent to the tub. 

 

Now this is where everything got interesting and I know the mother could feel the hairs on her head going not gray but white.  The little bit of sanity that she was holding onto for the night disappeared.  What happened was not bad but it was another one of those funny kid moments that you do not dare laugh in front of them, but you just cannot help yourself.  So here we go.

 

Once it was revealed that the proper kids were in fact in the bathtub the mother rinsed them off and decided to get sister out first.  Out came the little girl and the mother set about getting her dried off and started combing out the ten feet of rats nests sitting on top of her head.  The whole time the little boy is still playing with his toys in the tub.  Just when the mother was almost done there was a blood curdling scream coming from the bathroom.  The fear was evident in the mother’s face and you could see the thoughts in her head racing through.  The little girl was quickly moved aside and the mother went from the hallway outside the bathroom to standing next to the tub in a fraction of a second. 

 

Now with all the squealing coming from the little boy you would have thought there was blood everywhere or there were missing limbs.  Instantly the little boy realized mother was standing there and he looked up with all the alligator tears on his cheeks and started freaking out.  He kept repeating over and over again,

 

“I swear mommy I didn’t do it!  I swear I did not put anything in my mouth I don’t know how they got into my body!  I promise I did not do it! WWAAAAHHHH!!!”

 

The mother for the life of her could not figure out what was going on and finally got the boy to calm down enough he could tell her what was going on.  Now when I tell you what he said just close your eyes and try to image all of this in your head.  Are you ready?  OK here it is straight out of the boy’s mouth while he is looking straight down the whole time.

 

“Mommy I swear I do not know how the marbles got in my body.  I am a big boy, I don’t put things in my mouth anymore and I don’t remember swallowing my marbles.  So I don’t know how they got there!”

 

The mother perched on her knees next to the tub staring at the little boy still not quite comprehending what he was telling her asked him if he can feel the marbles and can he point to where they are at. 

 

The little boy took a deep breath, calmly looked at his mother and point to his……… “area”.  Instantly it dawned on the mother he found his “beans” and being a toddler thought that he swallowed some marbles and they got stuck there.

 

Without a word she calmly stood up walked out of the bathroom, yelled for the boy’s father and told him he was needed in the bathroom right away.  Honestly I don’t know what happened to the mother the rest of the night she simply walked away shaking her head, giggling, and saying,

 

 “What next?”

 

So that is my story for the day, I will leave the speculation of the boy’s identity to you.  Those of you that read my story that knows who I am in the real world and you do not quite know who it is just think really hard and you will figure it out.  As for the little boy, I am soooooo sorry and please don’t hurt me lol. 

 

Have a great day everyone!!!!!!!!!

Progression Of The Defective Mind

DISCLAIMER:  DUE TO SOME COMMENTS MADE EARLIER I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I AM NOT SAYING KIDS DO NOT HAVE BRAINS JUST THAT THEY DO NOT ALWAYS USE THEM.  THIS IS REALLY JUST MEANT TO BE A HUMOROUS VIEW FROM A SINGLE MOM.  SO PLEASE BE KIND WITH THE COMMENTS, SOME OF THEM MADE EARLIER HAD TO BE UNAPPROVED.

Why is it that you can tell a child something everyday for years and they do not retain it, but they can tell you what happened on Hannah Montana from a month ago in perfect detail?  I have decided that Tooters has a defective brain and I keep threatening to take her to the Neurologist to have it checked out.  This just supports my theory that kids have some kind of brain malfunction that only corrects itself when they become adults, only for the girls to be cursed with Mommy Brain disorder.  Here is my theory.

 

Birth:  From birth until precious starts to walk and talk they stare at you like they are paying attention to everything that you are saying.  When in reality they are studying your every move and taking notes on your weaknesses.  They are making mental notes of what pushes your buttons and what makes you smile. 

 

1-3 years old:  This is when they really are developing mentally.  Learning to walk just to run from you with a naked butt and leaking on the carpets.  Learning to talk so that they can have a screaming melt down in the middle of the grocery store in front of everyone you know in town.  Perfecting the word “no” for later use.  Teaching themselves the art of silently getting into everything in the house that will make a mess.  Finding every tiny piece of anything and putting it in the carpet for you to step on in the middle of the night so you wake up precious with a foul string of words. 

 

4-5 year old:  All of a sudden the monster toddler becomes sweeter, more obedient, and loving.  This is all apart of the master plan to get you to lower your guard.  You relax thinking that you have a break for the next couple of years before back talking and fights over the chores begin.  But they are just making more observations and mental notes on how to give you gray hairs. 

 

6-8 years old:  Thanks to the brat at school that is to mature for her own good, and seems to know more than any kid that age should, begins to educate your precious child on the art of sassing.  Your child that used to somewhat obey you begins to apply logic and questioning.  This is where the defective brain begins to show through more.  All of a sudden things that you have been telling precious for years goes right out the window.  You lose count of how many times a day you tell them to turn off the lights and pick up their toys.  The bedroom floor?  Forget about it, that will not be seen for the next several years.  

 

9-12 years old:  The defective brain is now in full swing.  Precious no longer remembers anything, except of course every word to their favorite song and who farted in the lunch line.   You repeat yourself so many times a day that you begin to think it would be easier just to record yourself once and put it on a loop on the stereo.  Precious has forgotten that the bedroom should be clean, wet towels hung up and the light switches still are only touched when they are reminded.  Every room they leave looks like a tornado hit it, but they do not understand why your are standing there shaking your head in frustration trying not to explode.  I mean the room was clean an hour ago how can one precious child cause that much destruction?

 

13-19 years old:  There is no longer a brain left to be defective.  Everything you taught precious all these years are null and void because they know better.  You have become an antiquated parrot repeating the same things but not really being heard.  For some reason you have no right to tell precious how to do things because overnight they became smarter than you.  All you can do at this point is beg the doctor for an unlimited supply of Xanax and pray that the teen years are over before you land in the loony bin repeating the same phrase over and over again while you drool on your straight jacket.

 

20- adulthood:  Ahhh relief!  Precious is on their own and you have a quiet house again.  Then one day out of the clear blue sky precious calls you with screaming kids in the background begging you to forgive them.  They realize that you are not old or stupid and you just might have known what you were talking about all those years.  Precious just keeps apologizing and then says something you have been waiting to hear from them for about 20 years or so……….. They ask for your advice willingly. 

 

If my theory is correct I have at least 13 years of pleading, begging, reminding, and repeating to Tooters ahead of me.  Please God give me strength and Clairol please do not go out of business because my gray hairs love you.  Maybe I will stick with my idea and put Tooters up for auction on Ebay at 12 years old.

The 2009 Mommy List

As a mother I am accustomed to giving up things for Tooters on a daily basis.  Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining in the least, but I have recently sat down and really looked at what needs I have that are just not being met.  Which is totally my fault and I actually love the joy it brings me to give up something so that I can put a smile on Tooters face.  Even if me and my sanity suffer in the long run.

 

This brought me to thinking about my New Year’s resolutions.  Does anyone ever really fulfill their resolutions or just talk about them for 6 months before only to be forgotten with in weeks of the New Year?  So instead of making some ridiculous resolution list that I am going to bag in a few weeks then spend my time feeling guilty about.  I decided to make a realistic mommy list of things that I am going to do for myself throughout the year that I neglect regularly.  After reviewing my list I think all mom’s both married and single should make one. Here are the ten top things I am going to do for myself in 2009.

 

1.     Go bra shopping before I am down to the only one that I own that is held together by safety pins.

 

 Yes sadly to say I am sitting here in a bra that I am praying will make it another couple of weeks and no one thinks the funny lump under my shirt is a nipple piercing.  I already have purple and black hair and tattoo’s, I don’t need people looking at me like I am a complete freak. (Personally I hate to shop for a new bra it is a waste of precious time that I could spend on other activities.)

 

2.     Take an extra few minutes in the morning to actually enjoy a hot shower, and maybe even use the different settings on the showerhead.  Shut up you perverts not for that!!

 

I totally race through my showers and even have it down to getting in and out before a full song can play on my stereo.

 

3.     Let the dishes pile up in the sink for a night so that I can enjoy a hot cup of tea and read a grown up book.  Again perverts keep it in check, I am talking about my murder mystery books.

 

As much as I love to read Dr. Suess or Fancy Nancy to Tooters it would be nice to get back to reading the types of book I did before she was born.  At least more than one or two pages at a time, which is what I do now before Tooters demands my attention.

 

4.     Find time to exercise in peace without Tooters trying to imitate me and the Wonder Pup thinking it is playtime. 

 

Tooters loves it when I pull out my exercise DVD’s, because after giving it a 5 minute effort to keep up she just ends up laughing at me and asking why I am not doing it like the ladies on the DVD.  The Wonder Pup thinks she is helping every time I do the floor exercises by jumping on my stomach that is already sore. 

 

5.     Buy myself a new pair of jeans that actually fits so that I don’t look like some saggy ass stoner from behind. 

 

In the last year I have lost a little over 50 pounds and now none of my clothes fit properly.  They either are falling off of my body or the last 2 pairs that do some what fit are starting to fray.  I am a little afraid every time I bend down that my thighs or ass are going to come flying out.  Heck I might as well add a new shirt while I am at it.  I look like Omar the tent maker is my stylist.

 

6.     Buy new underwear that fit and are not full of holes. 

 

Again since the weight-loss I have not invested in new underwear, another waste of time for me.  However now I have the biggest granny panties you have ever seen and I need suspenders just to keep them up.  Maybe I could just hook them to my safety pins on my bra and start a new trend.  Not to mention that most have holes in them and I have to be careful where I grip them to pull them up.

 

7.     Grocery shop in peace.

 

All you mothers out there know what I am talking about so I will not elaborate on this one.

 

8.     Go to bed early. 

 

Instead of trying to pick up toys, straighten the house, or squeeze in one more load of laundry just bag it all and go to bed right after Tooter’s is asleep.  I am an insomniac but sometimes it would be nice to see what it is like to be able to be in bed for more than 5 or 6 hours in a single night even if I end up watch late night T.V.

 

9.     Ban Miley Cyrus from my car stereo.

 

Tooters and I love good loud music (is there any other kind) when we are in the car, but when I am on main street and she has her window down I tend to slump down in my seat and if I am wearing a hat pull it a little lower.  People tend to notice me before seeing my 6 year old in the back seat and I end up looking like an old freak.  You know sometimes I just need a good old fashion cuss fill grown up song to rock out to.

 

10. Quit smoking for good this time.

 

Oh hell I had to have at least one hard one in there.  I know I quit a few months ago but the holidays are so hard for me I could not take it and started up in the last month.  So I broke out the anti-strangle everyone patches and slapped one on.  I even let Tooters break my last two smokes and throw them away. 

 

So there you go there is my list.  I know this post was kind of long for me and I apologize but I just had to share.  I would love for some of you mommies out there to share what would be on your mommy list.  Happy New Year’s everybody I hope it is a good one!!!

Trying to look happy for a Monday!!

The Angels Among Us

You know people say that there are angels walking among us and I finally have proof that they really are.  What I am about to tell you still makes me a little misty eyed thinking about it so if you are a sensitive soul get out your tissues. 

 

My parents have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt they are extraordinary, kind, selfless, beautiful people that I am so honored to know.  This year my parents decided that they were going to donate part of my dad’s bonus check to the food bank or pick a kid off of the angel tree to help out for Christmas.  After some serious discussion they came up with a better plan for the money.  They called me on my cell phone and asked me if my friend I hang out with all the time (she is really cute like a little doll, that is what I will call her Dolly) had received any presents or money from her ex in the mail for her daughter.  Her daughter is Tooter’s best friend and they are only a week a part with the exact same tastes in life.  They even have deadbeat dad’s that do not take their responsibilities serious.  I told my mom I was almost to her house I would just stop in. 

 

I got to her house and she pulled me into her bedroom and asked me again if Tooter’s Best Friend (TBF) had presents under the tree and if her dad had sent her anything.  I told her that he did not send anything and with money being really tight Dolly had presents under the tree but not a lot.  That sealed it we got Dolly on the phone and asked her what TBF needs or wants for Christmas.  She did not know what to say on the spot like that so we told her that we would give her a few minutes while my parents got ready to go to the store and they would call her back. 

 

The whole time my mom was telling me what her plan was I kept thinking in the back of my mind, “Do not cry, do not cry!!!”  I did not want to be tear stained in front of Tooters and have to try and come up with an excuse.  So we tossed around a few ideas and came up with getting her some snow boots since she is wearing tennis shoes in the ten tons of snow we have received and a snow shovel like Tooter’s since she has such a blast with it.  We called Dolly back and let her know they were off to the store and if she thought of anything else no matter what it is to call them back on the cell.  I stayed behind with Tooter’s and my brother who had come into town for a couple of days. 

 

After a little while my mom calls me from the store to ask if TBF has a bike.  I told her that she does but it is to small for her.  Well that settled it TBF was getting a brand new big girl bike for Christmas that will last her for the next couple of years at least.  My mom told me to get Tooters to another part of the house when they pulled up so that they could go out and cover the bike up with a blanket until they could get it over to Dolly’s house.  We decided that after Santa left the house that night (I had it arranged for him to come to the house and even bought some cheap dolls with a couple of outfits for the girls to open up with him.) and the girls are playing with the new toys Dolly and my dad would sneak out of the house and stash the bike and other stuff at her house for the next morning.  Bless my beautiful parents they even bought a gift certificate to Kohl’s for Dolly so she would have something from Santa to.

 

Well while my mom and I were taking a look at the presents and talking about them I noticed that the snow boots looked funny.  I picked them up and they were super light with no tread on the bottom.  Then I noticed the size it was 13-1, shoes are not sized that way just slippers.  I pointed this out to my mom so we left Tooter’s with my dad and brother so we could go look for real snow boots.  We checked three stores before going back to the store she originally got them at, they were told that was all they had.  Something told us that we needed to check again.  We hit the shoe isle and there on a low shelf in a box that had not even been opened was a pair of purple and black very cute snow boots in TBF’s size.  OMG they were meant to be hers so we scooped them up and exchanged the slippers for the boots. 

 

We talked to Dolly and TBF the next day, they said it was a wonderful Christmas.  TBF could not wait to show Tooter’s her presents from Santa and invited her to come and play the next day.  Dolly got a little sniffly on phone when I asked her if she got the little bag with the gift certificate in it.  She still cannot believe what my parents did for her.  I told her just enjoy it and buy something nice for herself with the gift card or save it and we could go shopping together.  I can still hear the gratitude in her voice and it makes me feeling wonderful knowing someone in my family did that for her.

 

This whole thing made my heart swell up with pride for having the parents that I do.  This whole act of kindness still makes me misty sitting her writing about it.  I just hope and pray that someday when I am more financially sound so that I can have an amazing opportunity to pay it forward.  Someday many many years from now I will sit down and tell Tooter’s the story of a Christmas made perfect just by giving and hope she will continue to have the generous nature she has now and help out some else out like her grandparents. 

 

I hope every one had an incredible Christmas like I did!!  Happy New Years everyone and remember to be safe.