Archive for funny

What Went Bump In The Night???

Posted in angels, Blogroll, children, cuteness, dog, emotional, entertainment, family, friends, frustration, fun, funny, ghosts, growing up, help, hope, horror, humor, insomnia, KIDS, life, living alone, mom, parenting, personal, personality, pets, random, scary movie, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2009 by Iron Mom

Ok, some of the blogs that I read every morning had mentions of ghosts in them. Now I am not a jumpy type and I do not scare easy. I love to watch scary movies alone on the weekends and I believe that I have an old man ghost in my house that has been with me for several years. However they got me thinking last night about it before I went to bed and I ended up dreaming about ghosts. No nightmares just dreams, but it is what happened when I got up in the middle of the night that was funny.

Every night when Tooters’ goes to bed I turn on her stereo so she can listen to books on tape. Don’t get me wrong I still read to her but she likes to have the noise in the bedroom with her. Right now she is in the middle of the Little House On The Prairie series, I think she is on the 4th book now. I am like this also; I have a noisemaker I listen to every night.

Well last night was a really bad night for me because I had gotten some bad news and I ended up sitting in my room at one point in the evening crying. Sweet little Tooters, who I thought was playing computer, snuck into my room with some Kleenex and dried my tears for me then laid down to hug me. All she wanted to do was make me feel better. AWWWW!!!!

So when it came to bedtime she asked if I would rock her since it always makes me feel better. After she was asleep I continued to hold her for a while then carried her to her bedroom. As always I turned on her story on the CD player, put it on repeat, then went about my business of going to bed myself.

Now as some of you already know I am a pretty bad insomniac and last night was no different. I was up wandering the house several times and dreaming about ghost in between walks. Around 3am I was up wondering the house and checking my email when I heard something very strange. I live in a neighborhood so I am used to sounds plus with the noises in the house; it is just normal to hear stuff all night. However this noise was very different it only lasted a second or two then quit. This was happening every minute or so.

Now like I said I am not jumpy so I sat in the dark in my computer room and just listened to it for a while trying to figure out what it was and which room it was coming from. It sounded like a male saying, “Lo, h’lo”.

Finally I got up and went through the house looking around and checking the doors. I then stood in my dark living room calling out, “Hello, who is there?”

When I got no answer I wondered is my old man of the house finally starting to make more noise?? I slowly made my way back towards my room and heard the noise again and a lot louder coming from Tooters’ room. I went in and found out that the CD that was on the loop was skipping and a man was saying hello. I took a calming deep breath, turned off the stereo and went back to bed.

After a while I laid there thinking about it and started to giggle. Here I am a kind of small non-threatening woman, alone in a house with a dog that would rather lick you than anything else, and a 7 year old daughter. What the hell was I going to do in the middle of the night with nothing to protect myself if it really had been someone in the house? I guess I could have scared them off when I turned on the light and they saw my bed head.

Like I said I am not scared to be in my living situation, but on the other hand I think I am going to the junk store today for a cheap golf club just incase, you can never be to careful in this day and age.

Advertisements

Lost Marbles, Found Marbles

Posted in angels, anger, Blogroll, children, cleansing, clothes, cute kid questions, cuteness, dog, early morning, emergency, emotional, entertainment, fall, family, friends, frustration, fun, funny, funny picture, funny things kids do, giving, growing up, healing, health, help, hope, humor, KIDS, life, mom, parenting, personal, personality, random, seasons, sick, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized, winter, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2009 by Iron Mom

Today for some reason is just a frustrating day and I think I will tell a little story to lighten things around here.  This story is based on actual events, however no finger pointing will be done and the identity of the main kid will remain secret.  It will not be revealed because I am afraid of retaliation and great bodily harm lol.

 

Once upon a time there lived a brother and sister.  They were close in age and loved each other dearly even though the mother could not tell by all the fighting done during the day.  At the end of the day brother and sister were put into the bathtub together (they were still young enough to do this) to peal off several layers of dirt, grim and who knows what else.  There was extra scrubbing involved this night because of a muddy project in the backyard and the mother wanted to make sure she had brought the right kids into the house. 

 

Brother and sister had heard the term digging to China and wanted to test the theory.  They found the perfect spot in the middle of the yard, in the garden and with the help of the neighbor kids started digging.  Since it was fall and most of the garden was picked the mother watched this going on thinking,

 

 “Oh God please let them dig till they are exhausted and go to bed early tonight!”

 

Well after a couple hours and a few feet later they found out that the further down they went the more mud they found.  The mother sprang off of the porch to start pulling kids out of the hole that was several feet down before they got stuck for good.  See she did not think they would get as far as they did, but she was sadly mistaken.  The kids had dug far enough down that they were getting into a water table that part of the town sits on.  After some crying and fussing all the dirt was returned to the hole, China would have to wait for another day I guess.  Neighbor kids were sent home to their parents, brother and sister were sent to the tub. 

 

Now this is where everything got interesting and I know the mother could feel the hairs on her head going not gray but white.  The little bit of sanity that she was holding onto for the night disappeared.  What happened was not bad but it was another one of those funny kid moments that you do not dare laugh in front of them, but you just cannot help yourself.  So here we go.

 

Once it was revealed that the proper kids were in fact in the bathtub the mother rinsed them off and decided to get sister out first.  Out came the little girl and the mother set about getting her dried off and started combing out the ten feet of rats nests sitting on top of her head.  The whole time the little boy is still playing with his toys in the tub.  Just when the mother was almost done there was a blood curdling scream coming from the bathroom.  The fear was evident in the mother’s face and you could see the thoughts in her head racing through.  The little girl was quickly moved aside and the mother went from the hallway outside the bathroom to standing next to the tub in a fraction of a second. 

 

Now with all the squealing coming from the little boy you would have thought there was blood everywhere or there were missing limbs.  Instantly the little boy realized mother was standing there and he looked up with all the alligator tears on his cheeks and started freaking out.  He kept repeating over and over again,

 

“I swear mommy I didn’t do it!  I swear I did not put anything in my mouth I don’t know how they got into my body!  I promise I did not do it! WWAAAAHHHH!!!”

 

The mother for the life of her could not figure out what was going on and finally got the boy to calm down enough he could tell her what was going on.  Now when I tell you what he said just close your eyes and try to image all of this in your head.  Are you ready?  OK here it is straight out of the boy’s mouth while he is looking straight down the whole time.

 

“Mommy I swear I do not know how the marbles got in my body.  I am a big boy, I don’t put things in my mouth anymore and I don’t remember swallowing my marbles.  So I don’t know how they got there!”

 

The mother perched on her knees next to the tub staring at the little boy still not quite comprehending what he was telling her asked him if he can feel the marbles and can he point to where they are at. 

 

The little boy took a deep breath, calmly looked at his mother and point to his……… “area”.  Instantly it dawned on the mother he found his “beans” and being a toddler thought that he swallowed some marbles and they got stuck there.

 

Without a word she calmly stood up walked out of the bathroom, yelled for the boy’s father and told him he was needed in the bathroom right away.  Honestly I don’t know what happened to the mother the rest of the night she simply walked away shaking her head, giggling, and saying,

 

 “What next?”

 

So that is my story for the day, I will leave the speculation of the boy’s identity to you.  Those of you that read my story that knows who I am in the real world and you do not quite know who it is just think really hard and you will figure it out.  As for the little boy, I am soooooo sorry and please don’t hurt me lol. 

 

Have a great day everyone!!!!!!!!!

The 2009 Mommy List

Posted in anger, Blogroll, boss, children, clothes, cuteness, dog, emotional, family, friends, frustration, fun, funny, funny things kids do, giving, giving generousity, goals, growing up, healing, health, help, holiday, hope, humor, job, KIDS, life, mom, new years, parenting, personal, personality, pets, pictures, quit smoking, random, resolutions, seasons, shopping, single mom, thoughts, Uncategorized, winter, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2009 by Iron Mom

As a mother I am accustomed to giving up things for Tooters on a daily basis.  Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining in the least, but I have recently sat down and really looked at what needs I have that are just not being met.  Which is totally my fault and I actually love the joy it brings me to give up something so that I can put a smile on Tooters face.  Even if me and my sanity suffer in the long run.

 

This brought me to thinking about my New Year’s resolutions.  Does anyone ever really fulfill their resolutions or just talk about them for 6 months before only to be forgotten with in weeks of the New Year?  So instead of making some ridiculous resolution list that I am going to bag in a few weeks then spend my time feeling guilty about.  I decided to make a realistic mommy list of things that I am going to do for myself throughout the year that I neglect regularly.  After reviewing my list I think all mom’s both married and single should make one. Here are the ten top things I am going to do for myself in 2009.

 

1.     Go bra shopping before I am down to the only one that I own that is held together by safety pins.

 

 Yes sadly to say I am sitting here in a bra that I am praying will make it another couple of weeks and no one thinks the funny lump under my shirt is a nipple piercing.  I already have purple and black hair and tattoo’s, I don’t need people looking at me like I am a complete freak. (Personally I hate to shop for a new bra it is a waste of precious time that I could spend on other activities.)

 

2.     Take an extra few minutes in the morning to actually enjoy a hot shower, and maybe even use the different settings on the showerhead.  Shut up you perverts not for that!!

 

I totally race through my showers and even have it down to getting in and out before a full song can play on my stereo.

 

3.     Let the dishes pile up in the sink for a night so that I can enjoy a hot cup of tea and read a grown up book.  Again perverts keep it in check, I am talking about my murder mystery books.

 

As much as I love to read Dr. Suess or Fancy Nancy to Tooters it would be nice to get back to reading the types of book I did before she was born.  At least more than one or two pages at a time, which is what I do now before Tooters demands my attention.

 

4.     Find time to exercise in peace without Tooters trying to imitate me and the Wonder Pup thinking it is playtime. 

 

Tooters loves it when I pull out my exercise DVD’s, because after giving it a 5 minute effort to keep up she just ends up laughing at me and asking why I am not doing it like the ladies on the DVD.  The Wonder Pup thinks she is helping every time I do the floor exercises by jumping on my stomach that is already sore. 

 

5.     Buy myself a new pair of jeans that actually fits so that I don’t look like some saggy ass stoner from behind. 

 

In the last year I have lost a little over 50 pounds and now none of my clothes fit properly.  They either are falling off of my body or the last 2 pairs that do some what fit are starting to fray.  I am a little afraid every time I bend down that my thighs or ass are going to come flying out.  Heck I might as well add a new shirt while I am at it.  I look like Omar the tent maker is my stylist.

 

6.     Buy new underwear that fit and are not full of holes. 

 

Again since the weight-loss I have not invested in new underwear, another waste of time for me.  However now I have the biggest granny panties you have ever seen and I need suspenders just to keep them up.  Maybe I could just hook them to my safety pins on my bra and start a new trend.  Not to mention that most have holes in them and I have to be careful where I grip them to pull them up.

 

7.     Grocery shop in peace.

 

All you mothers out there know what I am talking about so I will not elaborate on this one.

 

8.     Go to bed early. 

 

Instead of trying to pick up toys, straighten the house, or squeeze in one more load of laundry just bag it all and go to bed right after Tooter’s is asleep.  I am an insomniac but sometimes it would be nice to see what it is like to be able to be in bed for more than 5 or 6 hours in a single night even if I end up watch late night T.V.

 

9.     Ban Miley Cyrus from my car stereo.

 

Tooters and I love good loud music (is there any other kind) when we are in the car, but when I am on main street and she has her window down I tend to slump down in my seat and if I am wearing a hat pull it a little lower.  People tend to notice me before seeing my 6 year old in the back seat and I end up looking like an old freak.  You know sometimes I just need a good old fashion cuss fill grown up song to rock out to.

 

10. Quit smoking for good this time.

 

Oh hell I had to have at least one hard one in there.  I know I quit a few months ago but the holidays are so hard for me I could not take it and started up in the last month.  So I broke out the anti-strangle everyone patches and slapped one on.  I even let Tooters break my last two smokes and throw them away. 

 

So there you go there is my list.  I know this post was kind of long for me and I apologize but I just had to share.  I would love for some of you mommies out there to share what would be on your mommy list.  Happy New Year’s everybody I hope it is a good one!!!

Trying to look happy for a Monday!!

Trying to look happy for a Monday!!

There’s A Wad Of Gum On My Wall?!?!

Posted in anger, Barbie, Blogroll, children, cleansing, cute kid questions, cuteness, dog, Dolls, emergency, emotional, fall, family, frustration, fun, funny, funny picture, funny things kids do, growing up, healing, help, horror, humor, KIDS, life, mom, parenting, personal, personality, pets, puggle, random, thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2008 by Iron Mom

I am going to list five things that no mother ever wants to hear from their child.  Then after that I will let you know which one I heard the other night.  But keep in mind I have heard all of these at one time or another.

 

1.     If you feed a whole can of beef stew to the dog will she explode?

2.     What would happen if you tie Barbie to the ceiling fan and turn it on high?

3.     Do we have a stepladder I cannot reach the gum on the wall?

4.     How many flushes does it take to flush Ken?

5.     How permanent are my markers?

 

I really have heard these things from Tooters, so can you guess which one I got hit with the other night?  If you guessed number 3 then you are correct.  Yes Tooters managed to get her gum she was chewing stuck to the wall near the ceiling.

 

The other night I was cleaning on the house a little bit while dinner was cooking when I caught Tooters with her hand in the candy bucket from Halloween.  I told her to get out of it so she did not spoil her dinner.  Tooters said ok and went to the playroom to play while she waited to eat.  I went into the laundry room at that point and started to hang up the wet shirts and put everything else in the dryer. 

 

Everything was right with the universe for a moment.  Tooters was playing with the dog and I was happy with the thought I would not have to go searching for clean socks in the morning.  After about ten minutes she was still giggling like mad when all of a sudden it got very very quiet.  This always scares me because I know she is up to something.  Then the dog went running out of the room when the thumping started.  All I can do is hang my head and hope that it is not as bad as it sounds.  Before I could finish what I was doing I heard the little innocent voice from the playroom.  She sounded very calm and collected like there was nothing strange about asking for a stepladder.  Here is how it really went:

 

T – “Mom do we have a stepladder?”

 

M – “Why do you need a ladder?”

 

T – “Oh just cause.  I need to reach something.”

 

M – “OMG what can you not reach, your toys are already on the floor?”

 

T – “I need the stepladder to get the gum off the wall.”

 

M – “Holy crap on a cracker!  What the hell is the gum doing on the wall?”

 

T – “Moommmmm I was playing with the dog and it got stuck duh.”

 

M – “Why do you even have gum I said no snacks before dinner!”

 

T – “It’s just gum you chew it you don’t swallow it so how can it ruin my dinner.”

With that I gave up the arguing between rooms, finished what I was doing and went to assess the damage.  I walked into the room and there stuck on the wall pretty far up was a wad of chewed up gum with a bubble in it and Tooters under it jumping up and down trying to reach it before I got into the room.  It looked like an alien laid a neon pink egg sack on my wall.  I whipped around and told Tooters she better start explaining and this is what I got.

 

“I was practicing how to blow bubbles and the Wonder Pup wanted to play, so I started tossing it up to see if she would catch it.  She was doing good, she even caught it once.  I blew another bubble to throw some more but it got stuck.” 

 

Ok here I am in the playroom with Tooters looking at me and waiting for me to retrieve her toy.  All I can think of is she put the gum in her mouth after the Wonder Pup touched it with her mouth and is it going to leave a pink circle on my wall. 

 

These are days that that explain the gray hairs I keep finding on my head.  Someday I will post the stories that go with the list at the top but for now I will let you picture the innocent child and the wad of gum in the playroom. 

Missing: One Brain Cell Possibly More

Posted in anger, Blogroll, boss, children, cleansing, co-workers, emergency, emotional, family, friends, frustration, fun, funny, healing, health, help, horror, humor, life, personal, personality, random, sick, thoughts, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2008 by Iron Mom

I usually try to leave work stuff out of my blog but my boss did something yesterday that I just have to talk about.  Now I know he tries really hard but there is something about this guy that is way off.  Some days are worse than others.  His heart is in the right place I just don’t know that it is communicating with his brain. 

 

I was sitting at my desk hard at work as usual **wink wink ** when my boss and one of the other guys in the office walked in to get something out of the supply closet across from me.  Well they were standing in the doorway talking about general work stuff when my boss trying to make a point stomped his foot on the ground a couple of times.  Just as he did this the other guys cell phone made a doorbell noise, this just could not have been better timing.  The boss looked up shocked and I swear to God he asked me if he made that sound when he was stomping the ground. 

 

I don’t know what came over me but at that moment I just could not help myself, I very seriously looked at the boss and asked, “What noise?? I did not hear anything.”

 

He just looked from me then to the other guy looking very confused.  I asked the other guy if he heard anything thing then I asked the boss if he was feeling ok.  What happened next was classic.  He started stomping his foot on the ground like a horse saying watch I will make it do it again.  How I kept a straight face I will never know.  The other guy was turning purple because he was working so hard to keep from laughing.  I thought this guy was going to blow an O-ring or something. 

 

So of course I asked the boss if he was sure he was ok and did he remember to take his medicine that morning.  All he can do is keep stomping and saying just a second I swear I did it.  He finally gave up and mumbled something under his breath and shuffled back to his office.  As soon as I was in the clear I raced up the hallway to the closest exit so I could go outside and laugh.  I still have not told him that it was the cell phone and not his foot!

 

You know this is not the first time he has done something this absurd.  I wonder if he has lost a few marbles here and there.  Anyways it doesn’t matter to me what is wrong with him as long as he continues to brighten my day like that sometimes. 

Are You A Freddy or A Jason???

Posted in Blogroll, children, cleansing, costumes, emergency, emotional, family, fire, freddy krueger, friends, frustration, fun, funny, growing up, halloween, healing, health, help, horror, humor, jason vorhees, KIDS, life, mom, parenting, personal, personality, pets, random, scary movie, sick, thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2008 by Iron Mom

In my opinion in life there are two kinds of people in the world.  You have your Jason people and your Freddy people.  What this means is which horror franchise do you prefer?  Are you the type of person that prefers the Freddy Kruger movies or do you like the Friday the 13th movies?  I believe this is directly related to your personality.  Just keep reading and see what I mean.

Freddy Kruger is gruesome to look at, but you just cannot turn away you have to keep looking at the overall look fascinated by the effect.  This means you are curious and not afraid of a little gore so you are a strong soul.  Freddy starts out with the basic slash of the young pretty girl but he evolves into much more.  His killing style becomes creative even jocular as the later movies come out.  This means that you are artistic and not afraid to take risks in life and you like to be thought provoking.  Freddy stalks his prey and toys with them if he does not get them the first time.  You are patient and if you do not mind trying over and over again to get what you want.  This also means that you are playful and do not mind a side trip now and again.

Jason actually was not in the first movie it was really his mother is concealed behind a mask.  This keeps you guessing and wondering what is behind it.  This means that you do not take people at face value you look beyond that and try to see what they are hiding.  He stalks his victims and seems to mostly stick to his determined gait.  This means you are focused you know where you are going even if it takes you a while.  His killing style is to slash and stab.  This means that you are direct and you cut to the chase so to speak and get it over with quickly.

Now for the weapons of choice.  Freddy has his signature glove with the knives.  However he also invades your dreams and kills from there.  This means that you are a deep thinker and a bit of a dreamer.  You like to use your hands but only for fun and art not for the dirty work.  This does not mean you are lazy you just have a different way of looking at the world.

Jason prefers the machete.  He stalks his prey and then slashes and stabs.  This means you have a direct purpose for what you do and how you do things.  He also sticks to the woods.  This means that you are not afraid of the outdoors or getting dirty. 

So which type of person are you?  Are you a Freddy or a Jason?  Personally I am a Freddy all the way.  I even have a collector’s edition box set of all the movies on VHS still in the wrapper that has never been watched.  I know what a nerd, but leave me alone that is my man.  As you can guess I am a little warped.  So leave a comment at the bottom and let me know what you are.  Happy Halloween.

 

 

 

Super Mom To The Rescue

Posted in anger, Barbie, Blogroll, children, cleansing, Dolls, emergency, emotional, family, fire, friends, frustration, fun, funny, growing up, healing, health, help, humor, KIDS, life, mom, parenting, personal, pets, quit smoking, random, thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2008 by Iron Mom

Wow we had an exciting night here in my part of the world.  Everything was going fine last night, Tooters was in bed sleeping and I was having some mommy time watching Biggest Loser while I exercised.  You know for some reason when I watch that show I always have the extra huge urge to amp up my exercises, I just don’t know why lol.  At the end of the episode I sat my sweaty self down to cool off and enjoy another bottle of Master Cleanse, yummy its tonsil burning good ;-p.

 

Just as I was cooling off and thinking of the warm new flannel sheets I had just put on my bed the silence was shattered by a gazillion sirens.  OMG it sounded like the world was coming to an end they just would not stop.  Just when I thought I could go to bed another round would race up the road.  Curiosity finally got the best of me and I just had to go and take a look.  So across the street I went in my tinker bell pajama pants, purple fuzzy slippers, and a cozy fluffy green bathrobe.  Boy if I was going to attract a man this was not the night.

 

I finally found out through my contacts working the area it was a fire in the creek bottom and the sheriff’s officer told me to go pack stuff I want to take with me incase I needed to evacuate at a moments notice.  I mean the fire was blazing and the wind was gusting up to 50 mph right towards my house.  The fire was only about a block away.  I got back to the house and did what I had to do then sat down to wait. 

 

But wouldn’t you know it the sirens would not stop.  Now they were racing up and down the road like they were drag racing.  Of course this woke up Tooters.  She is not freaked out by emergency stuff because my mom works for the Sheriff’s office and I work for emergency fire and the forest fires.  Once she caught site of the fire up the road that did worry her a little bit.  So I called my mom and told her to go for a ride with me because there was a several hundred-acre fire going on on the other side of town.  I thought if I could show Tooters how far I had to drive to get to the fire it would make her feel better.  Plus I figured the car ride would either calm Tooters down to be away from the fire by our house or put her back to sleep.   

 

Well I ended up taking her back to my mom’s house for the night because I got called into work and I had to race over to a friend’s house to help her pack because she might be evacuated too. 

 

Just as I was dropping Tooters and my mom off Tooters got very serious and made me promise to do something for her.  All she wanted me to do was go back to my house for a couple of things for her.  She wanted her new Barbie with the dogs, the Barbie her uncle bought for her, and her favorite doll she has been carrying around since Christmas.  The darn thing is named Sarabell Lavinia Chandelier —–.  What a mouth full for a six year old. 

 

I asked her if she was worried about the Wonder Pup and she said, “You are a good mommy you would not let anything bad happen to her, I trust you will get her out too!”

 

I thought it was so cute that she picked those items that had been bought for her by very special people to save first.

 

 My mom snuck into another room from Tooters and called me this morning at dispatch to let me know that Tooters talked about those things all night in her sleep.  What she did not know is when I ran to the house to get her school clothes for today I snuck those items into her bag just so Tooters knows I really do listen to her.   Then my cell phone rang and it was Tooters telling me how much she loved me because I saved her babies.  Needless to say today I am on cloud nine knowing that my daughter thinks I am the hero of the Barbie’s and babies.  Just think I don’t even need to fly I just needed my Kia with the spare tire on it instead of a cape lol.